Mother who can't stop spying on their daughters
They’ve grown up and moved away, but social media means the nest doesn’t have to feel so empty. But you can go OTT. . .
As A student of foreign languages in the 1980s, Linda Aitchison spent lengthy stints abroad at universities in France and Russia. she admits she was rarely in touch with her parents during this time — but says her coming of age was all the better for it. If Linda’s mum wanted to know what her daughter was up to thousands of miles away, she had to wait for a letter to drop on the mat every few months — or hope for a rare call.
The idea that, 30 years later, it would be possible to track a child’s every move once they’ve flown the nest would have seemed obsessive and interfering.
Yet that is exactly what Linda finds herself doing now she is the mother of student offspring herself.
Days after her twin 19- year- old daughters, Emily and Melissa, left home in september to study politics and international relations at separate universities in Nottingham, Linda was glued to their social media feeds. she follows her girls on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, checking their accounts first thing in the morning, last thing at night and countless times in between.
Notifications ping on her phone whenever one of the girls posts something new online, meaning Linda knows where they are, what they’re doing and who they’re with almost every
hour of the day. It’s become a compulsion that Linda can’t imagine stopping.
‘The girls do call me their embarrassing social media mum, but I’m just seeking glimpses that they’re OK,’ says Linda, 50.
She’s certainly not alone. But how healthy is it to become a cyber stalker mother?
Celia Dodd, author of The Empty Nest: How To Survive And Stay Close To Your Adult Child, certainly has some concerns.
‘It’s understandable for mums to want to feel they’re still connected to their children on a daily basis, but being immersed in their lives in this way simply prolongs the agony of facing up to an empty nest,’ she warns.
If a mother is spending all her time following her child’s life through social media, she isn’t busy building a new life for herself. And this constant surveillance, however well-meant, can also make it difficult for a son or daughter to establish their own life and identity.
‘A mother needs to find her own direction in life and trust in the new relationship that will evolve between her and her child,’ says Celia.
‘In some ways, you have to go through the sadness of your children leaving home and the worries about whether they’ll want to spend time with you in the future in order for the relationship to evolve into a more equal, adult dynamic.
‘Spying on them on social media may leave kids feeling they are being smothered, rather than supported, in this new stage of their lives.’
Celia, a mother to two sons and a daughter aged 25, 31 and 32, made a conscious decision not to follow her brood on social media. However hard, she believes it was better for them to nurture their independence. ‘I’ve always preferred a more old-fashioned way of communicating,’ she explains. ‘ When my children went to university, we mainly communicated by text, phone or email, but I did my best to leave it to them to get in touch. I didn’t want to interfere.
‘At the same time, I used to drop whatever I was doing when they did want a chat on the phone with me. My son used to ring for advice on how to cook things and I remember feeling very happy when he did.
‘So long as they made contact about once a week, it helped ease my anxieties about them.’
LINDA,a company director from Walsall, in the West Midlands, has not found it so easy to let go. Thanks to her daily, often hourly, monitoring, it’s a challenge for Emily and Melissa to escape her watchful gaze.
‘I always look at their location and whether they’ve checked in anywhere, and I constantly “like” and comment on their posts, which they tell me is annoying,’ says Linda. ‘I follow them on Facebook and Twitter and they’ve each got around 1,000 followers on Instagram.
‘When Emily posted a picture of herself on Instagram with her new university friends, I didn’t just leave it there — I looked at pictures on their accounts, too, to see what sort of people she was spending her time with and, of course, to see if there were more photos of my daughter.
‘My mum, who is now 71, thinks I should let them make their own mistakes because they’re adults now, and I do agree. She also wants me to focus on expanding my life. But it’s hard.’
Linda admits that, previously, her world had been almost completely child-focused — and she’s now lost without the structure that brought.
Finding herself home alone has proved particularly difficult because her husband Neil died from cancer in 2012.
‘Before Neil died, we’d often talk about the adventures we’d have once the girls had left home and I tried to maintain that positive mindset in the run-up to them leaving last year,’ adds Linda.
‘Part of me was looking forward to having a rest from ferrying them to all their clubs and activities. I even thought perhaps it might be time for me to start dating.
‘So it took me by surprise when I got home from work two days after they’d left, closed the door behind me and thought: “My God, there’s literally nobody here. Nobody to say hello or goodnight to, nobody who needs a lift somewhere or a chat.” ’
That’s when Linda turned to the internet for company, and often finds herself leaving a comment on Emily or Melissa’s social media feed.
‘At 19, you don’t want hundreds of your mates to see your mum’s thoughts, but I can’t help it. I want them to know I am here,’ she says.
The twins are sympathetic up to a point. But being technologically savvy, they’ve quickly found ways to avoid their mother’s watchful eye.
‘There’s no way I’ll add Mum as a friend on Snapchat, as I need some privacy,’ says Emily. ‘It’s where I post things I’d rather she didn’t see, such as photos of my friends and me getting drunk, or dancing in clubs.
‘The other day, my flatmates and I had a party and, knowing Mum couldn’t see it, I put a video on Snapchat of the aftermath with the caption: “Amazing! Now I’ve got to clear this up!” I wouldn’t have posted that on Instagram where Mum could see it. ‘Sometimes, it seems odd that she still wants to baby me. But, equally, university can feel quite isolating, so part of me finds it comforting that Mum’s lurking on social media.’
Melissa adds: ‘Mum follows me mostly on Facebook, which is what my friends and I use at uni because it’s easy to contact each other. ‘I follow Mum, too, and when I look at her Facebook and Instagram pages, she’s always posting pictures and comments about being proud of me. It’s lovely, but I’ve deleted some comments because they’re a bit cringeworthy.’
Chartered clinical psychologist Dr Katharine Ayivor sounds a note of caution. ‘This kind of “surveillance” could impact if the child who’s left home feels uncomfortable with their mum’s online presence or that she’s intruding or not trusting them to make the right choices,’ she says.
‘Distress can come about because you love your mum and want her to know what you’re doing in your new life, but at the same time, you don’t want her to be overly involved in it; you don’t want to make her feel rejected, either.
‘This could lead to the adult child feeling conflict about how to manage the situation.’
She adds: ‘ But what I’d stress is that this is usually just a transitional phase. As long as communication is kept going, then everyone should find their place in time.’
At her six- bedroom home in
Somerset, company secretary Sheena Willis, 58, has barely been able to avert her eyes from daughter Sabbie’s social media accounts since she left home last September to study psychology at university in Plymouth.
Sheena admits her obsession with tracking Sabbie, 21, was driven by the ‘growing swell in my chest when she moved out’ — her two older daughters, Chloe, 28, and Jasmine, 25, have already left — and fears that Sabbie may not settle at university after spending some years at home after school.
‘Following her on social media is a way of reassuring myself she really is OK,’ explains Sheena.
‘It was hard enough when my older daughters went to university, but Sabbie is the baby, so there was an even greater feeling of emptiness knowing she wouldn’t be home for weeks at a time.’ Although Sheena’s working life is full — as well as secretarial work for her husband, she also does admin in a hospital two mornings a week and a third morning in a dental surgery — social media has filled the domestic void.
‘The moment that Sabbie posts anything — such as pictures of her and her new friends going out, or studying at the kitchen table — I get a notification pinging up on my phone,’ she adds.
‘I look at her friends’ posts, too, so that, one way or another, I can see what she’s up to and, most importantly, if she looks happy. I’m not friends with her new friends on social media yet, but I’m hoping. In the meantime, I can see any photos they tag Sabbie in.
‘Sabbie does tut at me occasionally and I don’t want to intrude. However, there’s no question of me not following her online.’
Sabbie says: ‘Mum and I are really close, so I’ve never felt I have to avoid her seeing things such as pictures of me drinking. But, occasionally, I do have to have a quiet word.
‘ Whenever I put up a new profile picture on social media she’ll post something like: “I love you sweetie!” and I’ll say: “You could just text me that sort of message instead!” ’
Sheena’s husband Gavin, 61, who owns a healthcare design company, may be less tolerant of her digital stalking, however. ‘I’ve overheard him say things that suggest he thinks I’m too wrapped up in Sabbie’s new life on social media,’ says Sheena.
‘Recently, Sabbie asked him if he’d enjoyed a cruise we’d been on, and his reply was: “It was nice having your mum to myself.” ’
The impact that this maternal voyeurism can have on a marriage should not be underestimated, says author Celia Dodd.
When children leave home, husbands and wives need to reaffirm their own relationship. It’s a time to cement the connection to ensure a marriage endures.
‘Obviously, if one of the couple is distracted by their children’s lives on the internet, it’s going to make it much harder,’ says Celia. ‘There’s a risk that wives will remain semi- detached in their marriages.’
Jeannette Phillips admits her husband is fed up with her online obsession with their daughter, Jessica. ‘He believes I spend too much time tracking her,’ she says.
Jessica hasn’t been gone just a few months — she moved into a home of her own two years ago — yet Jeannette still follows her daughter’s every move.
As Jeannette says, before her two children left home, her life had completely revolved around them and she’s struggled since to carve out a life without them.
When she wakes during the early hours, thanks to the menopause, Jeannette, 56, reaches for her iPad to see if Jessica has left clues as to her most recent activities on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.
‘I’ve become her online stalker,’ admits Jeannette, who works in administration and rattles around a four-bedroom home in Yorkshire with husband Alan, 54, a manufacturing manager.
Jessica, 23, a senior pharmacy technician, lives half-an-hour away, while her brother Joel, 26, a music promoter, moved out in 2013.
‘Social media is my lifeline at a time when my house feels so empty,’ says Jeannette. ‘Jessica posts photos of herself everywhere, from nightclubs to hanging out at home.
‘I also follow some of her friends for additional clues. When she got a new boyfriend, I checked him and his family out on social media to make sure they seemed nice.’
‘I always look at where they are and constantly “like” their posts, which they tell me is annoying’
BUT Jessica — like her dad — admits that, while they are close, she often finds her mum’s surveillance unwelcome.
‘Even though I’m 23, she will comment on my pictures if she doesn’t like something I’m wearing, such as a low- cut top, which is embarrassing,’ she says. ‘I’ve told her it’s got to stop.
‘Regardless of whether it’s 3am or 3pm, Mum is always the first to like anything new that I post.’
Jeannette is attempting to curb her behaviour — a little, anyway.
‘Jessica has asked me to back off a bit on social media and I’m trying hard not to be a nuisance,’ she says.
‘In an attempt to get me away from the iPad, Alan and I have started going walking locally and in Derbyshire at weekends. It’s made a positive difference.’
Celia Dodd says: ‘There are lots of nice things about being closely connected on social media, but ideally, it should be a temporary way of getting through that difficult first period of separation.
‘I speak from experience when I say it gets easier once you start exploring your own interests and see that your child is happy.
‘Eventually, the compulsion to pore over every detail of their daily lives online will dim when you start to trust that, though no longer living under your roof, your kids will always want you to be a part of their lives.’
Linda Aitchison admits that finding herself alone and missing her daughters has made her reflect on how it must have been for her own mother, Cynthia, now 71.
‘Looking back, I cannot believe how inconsiderate I was of my mum’s feelings not to make more contact,’ she admits.
‘ Equally, I’ve often reflected how glad I am that social media wasn’t around in those days to capture all my nights spent partying and drinking with my fellow students.’
As she acknowledges, while homesick to begin with, her confidence grew as she was forced to embrace new experiences.
‘Mum is the one who now offers words of comfort to me,’ says Linda. ‘She keeps telling me to let the twins go. They need to build their own lives.’
Whether she’ll ever be able to ‘unfollow’ her daughters on social media remains to be seen.
‘My husband thinks I’m too wrapped up in my daughter’s new life but I just can’t help prying...’