A (middle-aged) bluffer’s guide to the baff ling Brits
AnYBoDY who kept their TV switched on following Wednesday night’ s episode of Coronation Street may, inadvertently, have found themselves watching this year’s Brit Awards.
if you stayed tuned out of curiosity — or horror — you will have been treated to sights including a woman singing on stage in a girdle and a man smashing up a sports car with a bat. And chances are the words ‘i’ve never heard of them’ will have crossed your lips several times as artist after artist appeared on your screen.
So, to spare your blushes, and to give you some credibility with your children or grandchildren, here we bring you a middle-aged bluffer’s guide to everyone you’ve never heard of at the Brits . . .
JACK WHITEHALL, 29
HOSTING The Brits is something of a poisoned chalice, but comedian Jack Whitehall is widely thought to have done a splendid job. Posh and bumbling, Jack could so easily be a love child of Hugh Grant. in fact, he is the son of an actress and a successful theatrical agent.
if Jack is a familiar face but you can’t place him, that’s probably because he is constantly on TV as a guest on panel shows. His appearances include stints on Have i Got news For You, 8 out of 10 Cats, Would i Lie To You? and Mock The Week.
ED SHEERAN, 27
You may have heard of Ed Sheeran. He’s the ginger singer who looks more like a scruffy, unassuming geography teacher than one of the most famous and wealthy rock stars in the world. Ed is worth around £40 million and is famous for his one-manband stage performances. At The Brits he was given a Global Success Award, presented to him (via videolink) by his friend Elton John (who called him ‘She-ron’ when it’s pronounced ‘Shear-an’). Ed performed a ballad called Supermarket Flowers about his dead grandmother.
He’s engaged to childhood sweetheart Cherry Seaborn. Ed wears what he calls an ‘engagement ring’ on his wedding finger, made by Cherry out of silver clay, because that’s the kind of new man he is.
CHERYL, 34
You may remember her from when she was a judge on The X Factor known as Cheryl Cole.
That was her married name when she was with the footballer Ashley Cole. But they divorced and she married a Frenchman, becoming Cheryl Fernandez-Versini. But they divorced too. So she’s now simply ‘Cheryl’. She was at the Brits to put on a show of unity with boyfriend Liam Payne, the 24-year-old former member of one Direction and father of her 11-month- old son, Bear. ( Do keep up!) But rumour has it that relationship isn’t going well either.
Cheryl’s designer shoes made it look as though she was wearing electronic tags . . . which is fitting since she was once convicted of assault after punching a lavatory attendant in a nightclub.
LIAM PAYNE, 24
THE singer boyfriend of Cheryl and the father of Bear. So, yes, Bear Payne, which is what most people will have done if they’ve ever heard either of his parents sing! Liam, ten years younger than Cheryl, was once the least wellknown (and some might suggest the least talented) member of boy band one Direction. He is now a solo singer and he performed on stage at the Brits with Rita ora.
RITA ORA, 27
KoSoVo-BoRn Rita is a singer, actress and model. When she’s not doing all of those, she likes to pop up as a judge on talent shows. You may have seen her on The Voice or The X Factor. At the Brits, she performed the song For You with Liam Payne, from the latest Fifty Shades movie, dressed in what looked like a Playtex girdle.
DUA LIPA, 22
A BRiTiSH pop singer and former stage school pupil, born to Kosovar-Albanian parents. She landed a recording contract aged 19, after five years of uploading videos to YouTube. She turned up on the Brits red carpet wearing a baby-pink tiered tulle dress which made her look a little bit like one of those dolls people use to cover the loo roll. Later on, she performed her single new Rules dressed in a jazzy leotard, surrounded by dancers in jazzy leotards. She won two Brits for Best Breakthrough Artist and Best Female Solo Artist.
RAG ’N’ BONE MAN, 33
CHuBBY, 6ft 5in heavily tattooed singer who won Best Single for his song Human. Looks a bit like a Viking and says ‘if you don’t like the way i look, that’s your problem’. His real name is the slightly less rock’n’roll Rory Graham and he comes from the even less rock’n’roll town of uckfield in Sussex (though he’s now lives in trendy Brighton).
Rag ’n’ Bone Man is known for his deep voice and blend of blues, gospel and hip-hop. At the Brits he performed with Jorja Smith (below). Just to be clear, he does
not collect unwanted household items from your street in his spare time.
JORJA SMITH, 20
THE winner of The Critics’ Choice award, Jorja comes from Walsall in the West Midlands where, just a year ago, she was working in a Starbucks coffee shop. You can bet your life she’s had her name spelt wrong on a few coffee cups. Jorja is a classically trained vocalist and her soulful voice has drawn comparisons to Amy Winehouse.
KENDRICK LAMAR, 30
nEVER heard any of rapper Kendrick Lamar’s songs? You still won’t have even if you watched his performance at The Brits.
His lyrics were considered too offensive, even post-watershed, and much of his performance was muted by censors. From Compton, California, Lamar is one of the world’s most successful rap artists, having already swept the board at the Grammys. He won Best international Male at The Brits and performed on stage lying on top of a giant glass box, joined by fellow rapper Rich The Kid (below).
RICH THE KID, 25
LAMAR recorded new Freezer with Rich The Kid, a number they performed at The Brits. it’s certainly not about shopping for new white goods in John Lewis.
Surrounded by dancing cheerleaders, the new York-based rapper, whose real name is Dimitri Leslie Roger, smashed up an orange Lamborghini with a baseball bat on stage. Rich The Kid has recorded songs called Feels Good 2 Be Rich, Rich Than Famous and Rich Forever. Sensing a theme?
GORILLAZ
THE winners of Best British Group, Gorillaz, are a pop ‘virtual band’ — they started out as cartoon drawings. They are the brainchild of Damon Albarn (formerly of Blur) and his artist friend Jamie Hewlett, who draws the members.
When the band perform live they draft in human musicians to play alongside the cartoon members who are projected on to the stage.
Widely suspected to have been on the sauce on Wednesday, Albarn delivered a rambling anti-Brexit rant when he collected his gong.
LITTLE MIX
WHEn girl band Little Mix won The X Factor in 2011 they were a wholesome pop group who performed in baggy jeans and trainers. Today their style is rather more risque. But they were carrying white roses, in solidarity with the Time’s up movement, on the Brits red carpet. So that makes it all oK. nominated for Best Video and Single (they didn’t win either) for their song Touch. They are the ninth bestselling girl group ever and have a fragrance called Wishmaker.
DAVE, 19
noT to be confused with the TV channel or the prime minister. This Dave is a rapper nominated for Best British Breakthrough Act (pipped to the post by Dua Lipa). The South London-born rapper’s songs include ditties about politics and the nHS (his mum is a nurse).
WOLF ALICE
A FouR-piece rock band who have been together for eight years. They were nominated for Best British Group (but lost to cartoon band Gorillaz). Their name is taken from a short story by the novelist Angela Carter. Their first hit single was a track called Moaning Lisa Smile. other numbers include Yuk Foo and Beautifully unconventional.