Why you should never take your ex-husband on a double date . . .
Plot for a romantic Hollywood comedy: Mandy and Stuart are divorced, but he can’t bear to let her go. So he reinvents himself as her ‘best friend’, going on double dates to keep an eye on her new boyfriends.
Imagine it with Cameron Diaz and that whatsisname one with the beard, Seth something. Wouldn’t that be hilarious? What do you mean, it’s creepy? the problem with First Dates (C4) is that it can’t tell the difference, as it carefully pairs up couples for highly choreographed flirtation over dinner, between heartwarming and flesh-crawling.
Goofy Nathan from the Welsh valleys, who’s 23 and lives with his mam, had obviously been working on his chat-up line. ‘Guess how many names I got tattooed on my a***?’ he proudly asked his date, Morgan, 21.
Nathan was thicker than Golden Syrup, but his stupidity was sweet, too. Morgan adored him instantly. the answer if you’re wondering is eight, the names of all his mates indelibly inscribed on his buttocks. ‘there ain’t even no reason,’ he said happily.
Stuart was nearly 30 years older than Nathan, and far more intelligent. His carefully cultivated bonhomie was somehow less endearing. He sized up Mandy’s date, Adam, before he was even through the restaurant door. ‘He’s your sort,’ he hissed at his ex.
the moment Stuart had the camera to himself, the snide remarks started. of course Adam was Mandy’s sort — he was tall. Unlike Stuart. then he started to get maudlin with the barman, lamenting that his wife had left him even though he still loved her.
the producers had gone to great lengths to find a carbon copy of Mandy to be Stuart’s date. She had the same hair, same accent . . . and she wasn’t overjoyed when she realised what was going on.
Nor was poor Adam. Every time he glanced sideways, Stuart was staring at him. ‘this is the weirdest date I’ve ever been on,’ he muttered.
Hopeful for a second chance, Mandy suggested another assignation, somewhere more private . . . somewhere a bit remote, perhaps. Adam suggested Hadrian’s Wall. You can be sure he’ll spend the day peering anxiously through his binoculars, watching out for Stuart.
People who go on First Dates must know the risks. they might find love, but they’re more likely to be put on parade as part of Channel 4’s romantic freak show.
the desperate faces in Housing Yorkshire: Somewhere Called Home (C5) seemed to be taking part because they were too exhausted to protest, and a camera crew was unlikely to make life much worse.
one grandmother’s existence was made miserable by gangs of feral youths who besieged her flat, even lobbing lighted fireworks through the windows. ‘I just want to curl into a ball and not wake up,’ she said.
Another woman was struggling to cope with her husband’s progressive dementia — and his compulsion to hoard rubbish — while holding down full- time job.
With subjects as vulnerable as these, the production team have a responsibility of kindness. It’s not enough that the bosses at the housing association, looking after 40,000 tenants across Britain’s biggest county, have agreed to let the cameras in. the filmmakers must be scrupulous about who and what they show.
thankfully, Housing Yorkshire was always respectful. Antisocial behaviour is often treated as a spectator sport by tV, but this programme left us in no doubt that poor Sue was living in fear for her life from marauding teens. let’s hope things are looking up in her new home. a