My husband keeps going on holidays — by himself!
Solve your sex, love & life troubles
TV’s steph and Dom Parker, 51 and 53, draw on their 20 years of marriage to solve your relationship problems...
QMY HUSBAND and I are both in our early 50s. He is still working and gets five weeks of annual leave, so usually, we go on at least one big family holiday. Over the years, it’s also become a tradition for him to go away with friends for a long weekend playing golf or rugby. I’ve always been fine with this, as I think it’s healthy to have our own hobbies and social lives.
However, since our daughter left home last year, I hoped we’d finally get a chance to spend some quality time away together. Frustratingly, the opposite has happened.
In what I suspect to be a mid-life crisis, he recently decided he wanted to learn to ski. I hate the cold, so was happy for him to go on a solo trip, but he’s since been away twice more with friends, leaving only two weeks for us to spend together (on a cheaper holiday) this summer.
I was absolutely fuming when I found out. To make matters worse, I just caught him searching for deals on ski resorts in 2019.
I want to be supportive, but frankly, this has gone too far. What should I do?
STEPH SAYS:
Poor you! You’re not only a golf widow, now you’re a ski widow, too. I feel your pain: I loathe the cold.
But, for you, this is about being left out — and we’ll get to that in a bit, because I think it’s probably never crossed your husband’s mind that you feel this way.
First things first, I think for your husband, this has nothing to do with your marriage. It has, as you rightly say, all the hallmarks of a huge mid-life crisis.
He’s now in his early 50s (exactly the right age for it, by the way) and what has he chosen to do? He’s decided to be a big, virile bloke: conquering a mountain, testosterone flying everywhere as he bombs down a black run.
To be honest, I think you might actually be grateful it’s not something worse — we’ve all heard stories of men really going off the rails when they hit 50.
Now to your fear of being left out. You’re upset he’s not thinking about you because, in the romantic scenario that’s playing out in your head, you’re going to spend all this time together feeling loved-up.
But let’s face it, life — and, certainly, long marriages — are rarely like that. So you need to banish the fantasy and work on the reality. The only way we can ever get men to change their minds is by encouraging them. If you moan at him and ask him not to go, he will only want to do it more.
I remember rebelling as a teenager by putting a huge peroxide stripe in my hair — my mother said not a single word and I soon grew tired of it. Really, men are simply overgrown boys, so applying the same logic as you would with a teen isn’t too bad an idea.
I’d encourage his hobby — embrace it. I would tell him you’re happy for him to plan next year’s ski trips, but he needs to plan a holiday for just the two of you, too. Then tell him you want to go to the Maldives. You want to lie on a beach with him, drinking cocktails. You want lazy mornings, romantic evenings, the whole lot.
In doing so, you’ll outfox him, because you’re basically telling him you want to have lots of sex with him. And what greater compliment can you give? Believe me, I know it’ll work. DOM SAYS: First, I think you should congratulate your husband for taking up such a dangerous sport in his 50s, as I know, to my cost, it’s far from easy. But it’s also tremendous fun. I certainly understand the appeal. However, while there’s nothing untoward about occasional golf or rugby weekends with his buddies, solo holidays do sound a bit more dubious. And I’m not sure you haven’t got a more dangerous situation here. Skiing is generally a young person’s game and some of the resorts can be a bit fruity. I think you have to make sure that all is well. To do that, you need to say you’d like to go along on the holiday and watch his reaction. If he’s happy about it, then hurrah — so much the better. Before you despair, I’d like to point out that my wife hates skiing, but she loves ski holidays — the long lunches, the spas, all those beauty treatments. And if the cold bothers you, just book it for spring. Sometimes, you can ski in a bikini then. If, on the other hand, he’s not keen on you joining him, then you might have to delve a little deeper. There is, of course, the possibility he’s hoping for a holiday romance. Or he might not be keen to spend holiday time alone, just the two of you, which is a bigger concern. If this is the case then, I’m terribly sorry, but it sounds like you have some serious work to do on your marriage. Hopefully, though, that’s not it. It could be easily as straightforward as him not wanting to spend his holiday lying on a beach. Plenty of chaps don’t. Of course, we all love barrelling down to Devon with a bucket and spade for the kids, but once they are grown-up and gone, well, he wouldn’t be the only man who wanted to do something with a bit more adrenaline attached to it. That said, I really do think you should both try to throw yourself into a ski trip together next year. Because, when it comes down to it, I’d rather spend a week in the rain somewhere awful with my wife than a week’s fabulous skiing with my mates — and your husband should, too.