Should I help my sister?

DEAR BEL, I HAVE an older sister (84 to my 77) who lives alone, but with a lively social life, in an upmarket residential village in America.

She is generous to me financially, for which I am very grateful. But for the past three years, she has made me visit her. All paid for by her.

These trips were stressful for me. I love my comfort zone, and being with her for two to three weeks pushes my patience and tolerance to the limit.

With the onset of dementia, she has become a hoarder. If I try to help in the kitchen or sorting out ‘stuff’, I’m told to leave things alone.

I admit I’m not a good houseguest unless I can help.

I would be quite happy with simple meals, but she makes everything so complicated.

Now she has already mentioned my next visit in the autumn, and this sounds so ungrateful, but I don’t want to go.

What can I do to get out of this predicament? AVRIL

My InITIAL reaction may seem blunt, but it seems to me that you have to ask yourself how you will feel when one of the people in your sister’s village emails you or telephones to say that she is either terminally ill or dead.

If you think you will be sad, then maybe you will reflect that a short visit, paid for by your sister, is not so much to ask — in the knowledge that (given her age) it could be the last time.

you say she has been generous and you are grateful. That being the case, why not say that you are also looking forward to the visit, but three weeks is too long given various commitments at home?

Go for ten days only, say you will pay for some (no fuss) meals out, and take some old family pictures, since they can be helpful to people with dementia.

Surely it would also be a good idea to check up on the support network your sister has around her in her village, if her dementia were to become suddenly worse.

I do realise that it may not be easy for you, but I think this compromise is the way forward.