My bottom cost £12,000 but I still hate it!
Over the past 11 years, beauty editor Inge has had SEVEN types of treatment to get rid of her saddlebags and cellulite. So how many worked? Here’s her damning verdict . . .
Confession: i feel bad about my thighs. i know that’s the wrong thing to say in this age of politically correct body positivity, and that i should rock my cellulite with womanly pride.
instead, i wear long, baggy shorts on the beach (a genius idea, i think; my husband thinks not). Pre- shorts, i’d refuse to get up from my towel for fear of appalling strangers with my lumps.
As inspire’s anti-ageing columnist and Cosmopolitan’s beauty director, i know all too well that cellulite is just how women store fat and that we’re particularly prone to it in midlife, but that doesn’t stop me hating it.
i was 17 when i began to develop fat pads on my outer thighs and dimples in my bottom, so to me it’s been an eyesore for a very long time. it makes me a target for the ‘body-perfecting’ industry that’s now worth £ 500 million worldwide. And with all my insider knowledge, i’ve tried almost everything on the market.
Does anything work? Well, yes — but it’s a qualified yes. At 48, i’ve finally come to terms with the fact that ‘transformative’ changes don’t happen.
suffice to say that after 20 years of access to every leg and bottom treatment going, plus a hardcore exercise regime — five hours a week of running, weights and yoga for 25 years — i have a six-pack and Terminator arms. But i still have doughy legs and lumps in my bottom. That’s just how Mother nature rolls.
However, improvements are definitely possible. i may still be in shorts on the beach,
I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it MAE WEST
but my back view is better than it would be if I hadn’t had any treatments at all. The key is picking very, very carefully.
The non-surgical body-contouring industry remains a bastion of misinformation, using biologically impossible terms such as ‘fatmelting’ and ‘cellulite-removing’ with impunity. But rather than delude yourself that an airbrushed-perfect bottom is achievable with just a few light credit card transfers, wouldn’t you prefer a realistic assessment of what to expect? Clearly, some of us wouldn’t.
Dr Benji Dhillon, of london’s PHI Clinic, says plenty of patients think the one thing standing between them and perfection is cash. ‘A good clinician ought to be searingly honest,’ he says. ‘It’s our responsibility to explain that every individual body or skin reacts differently to treatment. You can’t expect a cookie-cutter result.’
You can’t expect even a guaranteed result. That means taking a punt on procedures that can cost many thousands of pounds. Which is why finding a clinic that offers multiple treatment options and a 100 per cent up-front consultation is very important.
Or you could rely on the experience of someone who’s tried almost all of it in their professional capacity as a beauty editor (rather than as a fee-paying client): me . . .
THE HI-FI SLIMMER
MulTIPOlAR radiofrequency was the first treatment I tried, back in 2007. like something out of a Fifties uFO movie, a panel emitting high-frequency radiowaves heats fat cells underneath the skin. This makes (some) cell walls disintegrate and release their fatty acid content into the bloodstream, after which the liver gets shot of it.
The intended result is fewer and/or shrunken fat cells, leading to smaller saddlebags and a reduction of tummy rolls and bingo wings.
It’s normal for the treatment to feel warm or a bit hot, but not painful. In the wrong hands and with the wrong machine, skin can get burnt. Two colleagues sustained nasty blisters after settings were racked up to ‘super hot’ and the treatment paddle wasn’t moved around continuously, as it should be.
This technology has been around for years and quality varies depending on the age and brand of the machine, so it’s worth asking.
EXPERT VIEW: ‘This can cause a level of fatcell death, but it’s only minimal,’ says Dr Dhillon. ‘You also get a little skin-tightening, which would slightly smooth lumpy skin and is probably what patients most notice. But overall, results are inconsistent.’
The make of machine matters: one called Venus legacy is probably the gold standard. But, says medical aesthetician Renee lapino, you need six to eight weekly treatments (about £1,350 in total) to lose centimetres — which even Renee, a Venus proponent, admits will last you only ‘months’ without top-ups.
MY VERDICT: I’ve had this treatment three times over the years, the first one 11 years ago with results so minimal as to be invisible (although I admit I haven’t tried the Venus legacy). The technology could work if you had it every week for the rest of your life. But I’m no oligarch-who-lunches.
SCI-FI SMOOTHER
THe following year I went for the peculiarly named Strawberry laser (from £650 for a course of six sessions). A ‘low-level’ or ‘cold’ laser procedure, it claims to melt fat. It’s not as Star Wars as it sounds: it employs infrared or near-infrared light that’s very different from powerful laser beams.
laser expert Debbie Thomas, of D. Thomas Clinic, says: ‘They have an anti-inflammatory and mildly collagen-regenerating effect on the skin.’
EXPERT VIEW: ‘If infrared affects fat cells at all, it will be negligible,’ says Dr Dhillon, who, when he heard I was told to do ten minutes of step exercises after every session ‘to boost results’, was even more sceptical. ‘I would call that a red flag,’ he says. ‘The actual treatment outcome should stand on its own.’
MY VERDICT: If you see ‘cold laser’ and ‘fat loss’ in the same sentence, run a mile — it will do more for you than the treatment.
LOTS OF PAIN, NO GAIN
A YeAR later, I tried an ultrasound cavitation — a high-intensity ultrasound procedure that’s meant to make fat cells collapse or ‘explode’ in much the same way as radiofrequency, but this time using soundwaves.
EXPERT VIEW: Dr Dhillon rates ultrasound over radiofrequency for fat reduction, but advises: ‘Results are inconsistent.’
He’s tried SlimMe and liposonix procedures, both of which aim to destroy fat
The non-surgical industry pumps out misinformation, using biologically impossible terms such as ‘cellulite-removing’ and ‘fat-melting’ with impunity
cells with heat created through intense soundwaves and cost £1,595 and £1,000 respectively.
The difficulty is no manufacturer (other machines include Vaser Shape and UltraShape) seems to agree on what frequency and intensity works best. and pain levels, which vary from warm to awful, are no indication of efficiency.
MY VERDICT: Liposonix was excruciating. a paddle emitting sound waves was passed over my fat pads for 20 minutes, and I felt like I was being stabbed. The treatment left me with black bruises that lasted six weeks and faded to reveal no change in the saddlebag situation whatsoever.
THE FAT FREEZER
aT 42 and with my saddlebags staying put despite peak fitness, coolSculpting seemed too good to resist. Inspired by research from Harvard, cryolipolysis freezes to death small pockets of fat in about half an hour. It smarts for a minute when the vacuum-like mouthpiece is attached to your fatty bits, but skin soon goes numb.
after defrosting (the procedure takes an hour), treated areas may feel sore for a few days. The body then flushes out the dead cells (only fat is affected) over two to four months. Results are permanent.
EXPERT VIEW: ‘coolSculpting by Zeltiq has good safety and efficacy data behind it [other fat-freezing brands don’t], and is my preferred non-surgical fat-reduction option,’ says Dr Dhillon.
MY VERDICT: It works! after twoand-a-half rounds per leg, my saddlebags with cellulite are now flattish thighs with cellulite. But sadly it does nothing for the dreaded dimples.
another problem: the suction cups don’t quite respect the varying shapes of our wobbly bits, often resulting in inelegant ‘bite’ marks on one’s bulges — which can require more sessions.
only 25 pc of fat gets eliminated, so you may want several rounds in the same spot. at £ 800 per treatment, that adds up. Ten per cent of patients see no results.
THE NO-KNIFE LIPO
nexT on my list was 3D Lipo, but contrary to how it sounds, I didn’t go under the knife. ‘non-surgical’, ‘non-invasive’ or ‘laser’ liposuction are catch-all terms for any bodysculpting and fat ‘ melting’ procedures. Most involve neither lasers nor liposuction.
EXPERT VIEW: Dr Dhillon says: ‘“Lipo” misleadingly refers to liposuction, which is a surgical treatment and the only way to permanently remove a lot of fat, while the term “laser” is misused for lots of non-laser devices, such as radiofrequency and ultrasound.
‘The only true “laser lipo” is Vaser Liposuction [from £2,000], which inserts a laser under the skin to destroy fat cells that are then sucked out.
‘SculpSure [from £600], which implodes fat cells with laser heat without breaking the skin, is the only non- surgical laser fatreduction option for now (but results are inconsistent).’
MY VERDICT: not all non-invasive fat reduction is nonsense, but triple-check anything aggressively marketed with the words ‘lipo’ or ‘laser’. 3D Lipo (which offers a choice of cryolipolysis, radiofrequency or ultrasound, all, oddly, from the same machine, from £99) and Strawberry Laser (from £50) were some of the most pointless procedures I have ever tried.
THE LEG VIBRATOR
LaST year, I was one of the first to try endospheres Therapy when it arrived here from Italy. Like a robotic deep-tissue massage, it delivers microcompression and vibration through a tool that pummels bulges to ‘ break down fat’ and boost skin regeneration.
EXPERT VIEW: ‘This technology works on so many levels,’ says UK endospheres Therapy trainer Pietro Simone. ‘It drains lymph, increases oxygen in fat deposits to help their breakdown, boosts Mirror, mirror: Inge checks her rear view collagen, improves circulation and strengthens muscles. It’s the best body device I’ve used in my 16 years in the industry.’
MY VERDICT: Love it. But it hurts, especially when you have my heavy legs and terrible circulation. However, I didn’t bruise and it made me feel lighter on my feet and de-puffed my legs.
It also ‘sculpts’ your figure: my bottom was half an inch higher and looking a little narrower. That was after the recommended 12 treatments (£1,200; bi-monthly top-ups £120). I can’t say I have less cellulite, though.
THE DRAINING JABS
Fancy having a cocktail of vitamins, nutrients and diuretics injected into your pudgy bits? French people say mesotherapy will return your ‘contours’ to their naturally smooth, refined state.
EXPERT VIEW: ‘The idea is to give the body and skin what’s needed to function optimally, and that’s most efficiently done through local injections,’ says Philippe HamidaPisal, president of the UK Society of Mesotherapy.
To tackle cellulite, you need a personal cocktail based on your level of fat, damaged connective tissue, skin slackness and water retention. Ten sessions are recommended at £2,000, with £200 topups three times a year.
MY VERDICT: after six rather freaky treatments (long alcohol rubdowns for all- important hygiene and many, many blooddrawing stabs — in my case, a good 100 all around my thighs and bottom), I don’t really see my lumps and dents melting away.
But surprisingly, my skin is tightening around my muscles. This works as a mild localised slimming treatment, but do check somuk.
co.uk for qualified practitioners.
THE QUICK SNIP
THoSe bottom craters? Thank hardened connective tissues, through which fat pushes up for a tufted-mattress finish.
only cellfina tackles it. a needle with a tiny blade is inserted into the skin and severs the connective bands for each individual dimple, letting puckered skin spring back up. This is a ‘minimally invasive’ surgical treatment, involving local anaesthetic, bruising and compression pants afterwards.
EXPERT VIEW: ‘This is very specific to cellulite,’ says PHI clinic’s Mr apul Parikh. ‘ Patients and even some clinicians confuse lumpy fat, slack skin and stretch marks with cellulite. Treating those with cellfina can make skin look worse, so don’t consider anyone but a qualified, experienced surgeon.’
MY VERDICT: earlier this year, Parikh took one look at my lumpy rump and said: ‘no.’ My dimples aren’t deep enough, it seems, and ‘people with your skin could scar or discolour. This procedure [from £ 3,500] is great for the right candidates, but out of every ten, I send away five or six.’
now that is the sort of honesty we need from our body therapists. and the sort of talk we should learn to listen to.
So, after having more than £12,000 worth of treatments over 11 years, I’ve found that only three had a noticeable effect. But there are rumours of coolSculpting launching an anti- cellulite procedure and I’m already putting feelers out.
I’m still hoping to spend at least one summer in bikini bottoms, not shorts, before I retire.