My sister is ruining my son’s wedding

DEAR BEL

MY SON and his intended are getting married in 2020. His fiancee’s family are like me, comfortably working and able to afford a holiday once a year, so both families are saving towards the wedding.

My sister is the problem here. She is insisting we invite her second husband’s family to the wedding — a large family of 12 members, only one of whom (her stepdaughter) we have met.

My sister says she has been to lots of their family weddings, christenings etc — but neither my son, myself nor my future daughterin-law’s family have ever socialised with them.

This planned wedding is going to be a small affair, in a local hotel which has a set wedding price for a given number of guests.

The fiancee’s family is also quite large, so decisions on who will come will need to be made. I have suggested we go to Florida for the wedding, cutting out the hangers-on wanting a free booze-up!

I have not asked if my few close friends can come, as I know we can invite only 60-70 people.

My son does not even like my sister’s husband — a racist, loud-mouthed bigot who has embarrassed us at previous functions by complaining about the food or entertainment.

My sister is being very bolshie about this problem. Any advice on how to approach it diplomatically?

MAGGIE

HErE we are again, facing one of my least- favourite subjects, contemplating the can of worms these wretched weddings can be. What should be a happy day for two people who wish to commit to each other (and nowadays that’s a source of joy and wonder in itself!) is turned into an emotional minefield by the larger family.

As I have said before, I really detest weddings when they involve such selfish expectations. Which is, unfortunately in many cases.

To be honest, I still quietly seethe when I think of various people we ‘had’ to ask to my daughter’s wedding in 2009. I’d rather have given that cost per head to charity!

Your sister has absolutely no right to dictate who is, or is not, invited to your son’s wedding.

Her second husband sounds pretty dreadful, but might be tolerated for the sake of goodwill (as long as the seating was carefully planned, maybe with the bigots on one table) but why should your son and his fiancee have to welcome a whole entourage of strangers to their wedding? The idea is as ridiculous as it is annoying.

You will be aware from my tone that I am naturally disinclined to be ‘diplomatic’ about this — yet I can understand why you don’t want to alienate your sister, even if she is making a pretty good fist of alienating herself.

The Florida option is rather extreme, yet I do know of one couple who had their small wedding in St Lucia because it helped keep it extra special for close family members.

Obviously, this is for your son and his fiancée to decide, in consultation with their parents. But if I were you I would draw up a list of essential guests — if anything, cutting it down even more than the 60-70 you mention.

This list would include your son’s aunt (this selfishly demanding sister) and her husband, but nobody else from that family.

If she then complains and/or refuses to come, then so be it. There is no way of softening the pill, I’m afraid.