Your insight makes me a little wiser

TWO weeks ago I published a letter from ‘Janette’ — upset at 53 because she can’t meet a man and get married. Within my reply I quoted two similar letters from women.

Readers can’t possible always agree with me, and K (a 57year-old lawyer in New York) wrote a magnificent email of dignified rebuke. She ended by reminding me of the importance of ‘kindness’.

I have two thoughts. First, pointing out that obsessing about weddings will inevitably be counter- productive is sensible advice. Saying: ‘You poor thing,’ does no good.

Instead, asking somebody to ‘ shift your mindset . . . and understand that every single day of your one life is “special” — if you make it so’ is honestly the kindest advice I can give.

But K’s email, full of heartfelt truth, moved me. She wrote: ‘The “spinster stigma” is very much alive and well . . . There is no place for us and, damn it, at this stage of life, that’s what hurts.’

K describes a world where single women are patronised and left out. ‘I think the women who wrote to you might indeed benefit from your suggestion to try and widen their circle of friends, but you might also have accorded them the dignity of acknowledging their grief and despair.

‘What I think you missed is that even for someone like myself, with a pretty realistic view of the mid-life romantic landscape, there can be a long period of profound mourning — even after one has come to terms with the fact that there’ll probably never be a romantic life partner.

‘I came to that hard realisation in my early to mid-40s, but what was really difficult to bear is that for a long time I struggled with grief over that loss.’

My response to that is to say simply, I’m sorry — and thank K for educating me a little.

I could not do this job I love if it were not for the experience and insights of our readers.

■ Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, london W8 5TT, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.