You can fall back in love when it’s just the two of you

It’s the flashpoint in so many marriages — when you retire and find yourselves together 24/7. But in the second part of our major series CELIA DODD says...

YOU’VE left your jobs. You’ve brought up the children. You’ve moved to your dream home. And now it’s just the two of you. For many couples — even those who have weathered a few storms together over the years — retirement may be the biggest test yet.

There’s no longer any excuse to ignore all those issues you’ve swept under the carpet for decades.

‘After a long time together many couples take their relationship for granted,’ says relationship counsellor Suzie Hayman. ‘They need to get back into the habit of sharing thoughts and feelings in the way that they did when they were younger.

‘ People worry about what they’ll find to talk about and do together when they retire. Many couples have changed over the years without noticing it, and you can feel as though you’re living with a stranger.’

HOW TO AVOID A SILVER DIVORCE

SILVER divorce rates, which have risen by about a third in just ten years, confirm that for some couples the difficulties do indeed prove too much.

Even for the most devoted of couples, it’s much more common to hear people say: ‘How am i going to cope with him under my feet all day?’ as they approach retirement than to hear them getting excited about all the wonderful things they’ll be able to do together.

To some extent it’s fear of the unknown — most couples are used to spending most of the week apart. They have no idea what it will be like to spend the greater part of their time together — the only clues come from the occasional holiday.

While more quality time allows strong relationships to grow and develop, it can equally put extra pressure on partnerships that are already floundering.

The most common relationship problems, say the experts, arise from the gulf in expectations that each partner has.

While one dreams of far-flung road trips, the other wants to work part-time or move nearer the grandchildren. While one assumes they’ll do everything together, the other has grown to love their independence.

it’s natural to make assumptions about someone you think you know so well, but each side needs to be aware that the other’s interests and desires could have changed dramatically over the years.

GIVE YOUR MARRIAGE A PROPER MOT

AMONG the most important issues to consider are the timing of your retirements — together or one at a time; balancing your own interests and doing things together; finding your own space; deciding where to live; budgeting and sex.

‘if couples can turn to each other during this stressful phase of their lives, the relationship can be used as a resource and a great source of support,’ says counsellor Dr Sabah Khan.

She favours a pre- emptive approach in which couples give themselves a relationship MOT by booking a couple of sessions with a couples’ counsellor ahead of retirement — not because they are in crisis, but to get ‘match fit’.

‘This is a fantastic opportunity for couples to review their relationship at a point where they are about to face a difficult and stressful phase of their life together,’ explains Dr Khan. ‘The idea is to prompt them to really start thinking about the process of change.’

BEWARE THE DISHWASHER WARS

WHEN it comes to potential sources of conflict for newlyretired couples, territory is one of the big ones.

it’s inevitable that the partner who has been based at home the most has come to regard the domestic sphere as theirs alone, whether they were working from home, looking after the kids, or retired first.

‘Home is my domain: i do all the cooking and cleaning while my wife Sinead is at work,’ says leo, who has been a househusband for the past eight years. ‘i’m not looking forward to her retiring, because when she’s at home it feels like an intrusion. it disrupts my routine.

‘i don’t think us both being retired is going to be a happy place,’ he adds. ‘You’re with each other 24/7, yet you’ve got out of the habit of functioning together as a couple. Our interests are very different now.’

Some irritations are minor and easily ironed out as both sides get used to the new status quo. Others seem trivial, when in fact an iceberg of conflict lurks beneath the surface.

‘Many couples have disagreements over territory,’ says Suzie Hayman. ‘What often happens is one partner — usually the woman — gets resentful because she feels the other is invading her territory. But in fact he’s just trying to make himself feel useful in his new environment and make his mark.

‘Both sides need to recognise that, while it’s not fair for the bloke to rearrange everything and generally try to take over, it’s equally unfair for the woman to stick to the idea that it’s her domain and not make room for the other person.’

The kitchen is one of the biggest bones of contention, say those in the know.

it’s all too common for the invader to start moving things around and sorting out cupboards. Even trivial stuff, such as over-zealous surface wiping or restacking the dishwasher, can feel like an intrusion.

Martin, whose wife Sally still works full-time, complains: ‘i do all the washing now, and that’s fine. But if i hang out the washing at the weekend, i can guarantee that the pegging will be changed because i haven’t pegged the clothes in the way Sally thinks is right. That’s quite undermining.

‘i don’t know what’s going to happen when she retires. i do feel this is more my house than Sally’s, and that’s something to think about.

‘One big difference between us is that i like to have music on more than she does. How will that work? Will i have to wear headphones?’

CREATE YOUR OWN HIDEAWAYS

It’s better to be honest from the beginning, rather than bottling up issues that will do less damage if they are nipped in the bud.

For example, if you would rather not have a chat every time you make a cup of coffee, say so nicely. Your partner has no way of knowing whether you’re looking for company or want a bit of peace.

sara says: ‘suddenly having to be with Rob all the time, I do find myself gritting my teeth.

‘I’m just very aware he is there all the time. He doesn’t go out much, so I never get the place to myself. I hadn’t realised how important it is to me to have time on my own — not just when I go out, but when I’m at home.’

One way to accept the idea that from now on the territory belongs to both of you is to make joint decisions about a new use of your home. Each partner needs their own space, whether it’s a shed, a room, a desk or a corner of the sofa. this should be sacrosanct, with no tidying up or even borrowing of pens permitted.

In time, many couples settle into their own separate zones naturally. It’s essential in a onebedroom flat like David and Pru’s. During the day Pru, who does a lot of work at home, bases herself in the bedroom with her laptop, while David listens to music and reads in their living room.

But in other households, the need for separate spaces may need spelling out. Monique’s is a cautionary tale. ‘We bought this flat before we retired because the sitting room has a lovely view and that’s where I was planning to sit on the sofa and read,’ she says. ‘But now tim’s moved his desk in there, and he sits clicking away on his laptop playing solitaire all day. It’s impossible to concentrate. so I end up retreating to the kitchen at the back of the flat. It drives me mad. But in that blokey way tim is totally oblivious.’

DISCOVER THE JOY OF TEXT

THERE are particular issues if one person works at home after their partner retires. For years they’ve been used to settling down to a day’s peace after the morning flurry and they don’t take kindly to interruptions, however well meant.

One couple’s solution is to communicate through email and text, even when they’re in adjacent rooms. It sounds almost farcical, but it avoids the kind of irritation Margaret experienced.

‘I was used to being completely on my own in the house until James retired,’ she recalls. ‘I remember one morning he came into my office when I was working to ask the price of a first- class stamp. I nearly killed him.

‘Because I’m much better at computers and technology, he’s always asking for help. It can be extremely irritating. But we talked about it and in the end we developed a strategy that works.

‘We decided to live through periods when the other person is driving us mad and talk about how we might have managed it better a couple of days later.’

REINVENT YOUR SEX LIFE

TALKING about your sex life is the first step towards getting it out of a rut. Yet by the time they are retiring, many couples have no idea where to begin, and sex has become a subject too risky to bring up.

‘talking about sex is difficult because if you introduce the subject the immediate response is, “What’s wrong with it”?’, says Andrew Marshall, an author and marital therapist. ‘Retirement is such a pressure point, because many couples have spent the last 20 years coping with things that stop them being intimate, such as work and the children.

‘suddenly those things are not there any more but most people don’t look at it. they just find new excuses.’

When couples first fall in love they’re willing to try new activities because they mean a lot to the other person. Retirement is a great time to recreate that same sense of exploration and fun.

It’s also the perfect opportunity for couples to reinvent their sex lives, says Marshall. ‘I see a lot of affairs in clients around 18 months after retirement,’ he says.

‘People haven’t thought through the impact that giving up work will have on their identity. It’s important to still feel wanted and still part of the world, and unfortunately the way some people achieve that is by having an affair. that’s particularly likely if they feel their partner takes them for granted or is not very interested in them, or if their sex life has become routine.’

He recommends that couples start by talking about the impact retirement might have on their sex life and how they would like it to change. If any problems come up they should write them down, put them to one side and talk about them later. this is not the time to talk about negatives.

the next step is to think about measures to implement change, such as putting a date in the diary to go to bed early one night a week, to have a bath together or even take a course in tantric sex.

‘Ninety per cent of the problem is embarrassment and the feeling that sex should happen spontaneously,’ says Marshall. ‘If you allow yourself to plan, it helps a huge amount.

‘And if, at the same time, you broaden the definition of sex to include all the wonderful sensual things like cuddling and stroking, you can completely revolutionise your sex life.’

SHARE YOUR DREAMS WITH ONE ANOTHER

It’s clearly important to sit down and talk about big plans for the future. this is an exciting discussion to have, but it can be disconcerting if your partner’s dreams turn out to be completely different from your own.

‘One partner may have spent a lot of time thinking about finally having time together and being able to do x, y and z,’ says Andrew Marshall. ‘If that doesn’t happen it is very upsetting. Often people don’t communicate that upset.’

A simple way to start the discussion about big plans is to write down separate lists of all the things you really want to do over the next ten years. try not to selfcensor or second-guess what your partner wants to do.

At this stage it’s fine to be selfish: this is about what you want. the time for thinking about compromise comes when you have compared notes. When you do that you may be surprised by your partner’s response. Do the same with a list of your top five holidays — then choose two from each other’s lists.

For the majority of couples, retirement is a unique and wonderful opportunity to put each other first, perhaps for the first time in years, and for the relationship to grow in a new direction. Finally, parents whose children have flown the nest can regain their identity as a couple, rather than simply as Mum and Dad.