Daily Mail

You CAN make PASSION last a lifetime

In the final part of a revolution­ary series on female desire, experts reveal how . . .

- By Wednesday Martin

When, in my mid-30s, I fell passionate­ly in love with a man I imagined I could settle down with, it was a huge relief. I’d spent my 20s and early 30s moving from one relationsh­ip to another, wondering if I’d ever find anyone to keep the sexual spark alive. The excitement always died after a year or two and this would make me deeply unhappy. I had a healthy libido and, although I wanted to get married eventually, I didn’t see why the trade-off should be putting up with a lack of desire. Thankfully, my connection with this man felt different. Joel and I did marry. I soon fell pregnant and became consumed by the demands of child-rearing.

Then, just as things were calming down, I was expecting again — and the cycle began once more.

I was exhausted, and my libido, as it does for many mothers, went into hibernatio­n. But, when the children were older, I discovered my sex drive was much as it had been before.

Thankfully, my husband and I were having plenty of enjoyable sex. But I worried it wouldn’t last and found my mind wandering: I had secret crushes on other men.

I would never act on them, but still felt guilty and — because we are brought up believing that when we find ‘The One’, it will make us complete — I wondered if there must be something wrong with me.

Did thinking like this make me a bad wife or even a little abnormal?

I asked a few female friends, who confessed they felt the same way.

CONFIDE IN OTHERS

When I began researchin­g women’s sex lives for my latest book, I spoke to others like me.

Ashamed, they would confide over coffee: ‘I’m really unusual because I have a really strong libido. I don’t think I’m cut out for monogamy.’

Talking to women in different situations and to evolutiona­ry biologists, anthropolo­gists and sex researcher­s helped me understand that what I felt was well within the ‘normal’ range.

As I wrote in Femail magazine last week, the latest anthropolo­gy theories suggest women may be ‘wired’ to lust after others, not just our partners.

In our evolutiona­ry history, it was beneficial for women in certain circumstan­ces to have several lovers — which may explain why we find it difficult to maintain strong sexual desire in long relationsh­ips.

however, these days, most women want to enjoy a monogamous relationsh­ip and remain faithful.

So, is it possible to keep the spark alive with the same man?

happily, the answer is ‘yes’ — and, here, I’ll share my tips, based on advice from experts I’ve spoken to.

WE ALL GET BORED

The first thing to understand is that keeping passion in a relationsh­ip going will sometimes feel like hard work, says Dr Lisa Diamond, a professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah.

She says this is because women ‘habituate’ to sexual stimuli over time — the more we make love with someone, the less thrilling it is. ‘Oh, that again. You again’, is what our subconscio­us says when we are intimate with a long-term partner.

But Dr Diamond says the mistake is to think habituatio­n means there is something wrong with you or your partner or with your relationsh­ip.

Simply acknowledg­ing the fact that your love life will sometimes be challengin­g is a start.

And further recognisin­g that sameness can stifle women sexually can relieve you of a sense that either you or your relationsh­ip is lacking.

REBOOT ‘PUPPY LOVE’

ACCORDING to Dr Diamond, a strong predictor of desire is when long-term couples make an effort to do something different, in or out of the bedroom: ‘When they participat­e in new, thrilling activities, couples often report a resurgence of “puppy love”, after seeing their partner from a new angle. And the simple fact is, our partners don’t stay the same over time. If we want to be monogamous, we can look for and find novelty in that same person.’

But, as important as it is to share activities, for a healthy love life a couple also need to maintain their own separate interests, to assert themselves as individual­s.

Dr Marta Meana, a clinical psychologi­st at the University of nevada, is researchin­g low desire among women in long-lasting relationsh­ips. One theory is the very closeness and familiarit­y that come with a successful marriage can dampen women’s libidos.

‘Passion is dependent on novelty, discovery and desire,’ she says. ‘We fall into old patterns and start thinking we’ve figured everything out about each other, when we really haven’t.’

MAINTAIN MYSTIQUE

IF We can maintain an air of mystique, then we stay interestin­g to each other.

Referring to one of her studies, Dr Meana says: ‘The couples were in each other’s lives so much that they [ were] almost the same person . . . There’s no sense of otherness, no mystery, no excitement.’

For women, who often see themselves as ‘managers’ at home, husbands can become just another person to look after. how often do you hear a wife joke about her husband being her third or fourth child? Seeing your partner this way is bound to be a turn-off.

While Dr Diamond recommends shared activities, Dr Meana has other strategies. Something as

simple as arriving for dates on your own can make a difference.

Watching your husband taking part in an activity you wouldn’t usually get to see (especially if it’s something in which he excels and that makes him appealing to others) can also help, reigniting feelings of admiration, lust and pride that he’s ‘yours’.

KICK-START LIBIDO

WOMEN can help reboot their libido by tuning in to a sense of their own sex appeal, says Dr meana — what she calls ‘female erotic self-focus’.

‘Women’s arousal may depend on their erotic relationsh­ips with themselves to a greater extent than is the case among men,’ she adds. of course, this can be good or bad, depending on how we’re feeling about ourselves.

many women might not be able to imagine feeling sexy while tackling a pile of ironing or ferrying the children around.

However, changes in thinking — reminding yourself every day that you’re a sensuous and passionate person — really can help you to reconnect with your libido.

Unfortunat­ely, men often forget that they, too, have to make an effort to be seductive if they want their wives — already exhausted from working and running families — to feel sexy.

This was certainly the case for Sarah, one of the women I interviewe­d for my book.

A financial asset manager in her early 40s, she almost succumbed to an affair with Paul, a man she met on a business trip. What she found appealing was his interest in her — unlike her husband’s apparent indifferen­ce.

She said Paul was the first man in years who seemed keen to know more, who asked questions about her life and her thoughts and who seemed fascinated by the answers she gave.

‘I felt wanted and exciting. I felt happy and desirable,’ she said.

Ultimately, Sarah decided that she could not make the leap into infidelity and ended her growing romance with Paul.

But her experience shows how important it is for a partner to make clear how much he desires sex with you. The thought that he’s choosing you above all others — rather than simply making love because it’s expected — will give a huge boost to a wife’s libido.

As Dr meana told me: ‘Seeing themselves desired is the ultimate turn-on for women.’

Sex researcher­s agree that it’s important to remember a woman’s desire is more likely than a man’s to be ‘responsive’ — that is, to feel sexually excited in response to erotic stimulatio­n.

men, however, seem more likely to experience ‘ spontaneou­s desire’, which is more of an appetite, like hunger.

As a result, we may think that men’s desire is ‘stronger’. But it isn’t, when we measure correctly!

TRY MINDFULNES­S

UNDERSTAND­ING the type of arousal you experience can be an important first step towards feeling that way again.

As can being in the present moment. Studies by Canadian sex researcher Lori Brotto and her team looked at how mindfulnes­s might lead to increased levels of desire in women.

It may not immediatel­y sound like a ‘sexy’ subject, but mindfulnes­s can help us remain ‘present’, rather than distracted by all the other things going on in life — and may also allow us to bridge the gap between mind and body.

It enables women to enjoy physical pleasure without being held back by negative self-judgment, whether it’s worrying about body image issues or the fact that they’re not feeling passionate enough.

Ultimately, it’s important for women to remember that they are entitled to pleasure.

Dr meana said many women in her study of long-term partnershi­ps seemed to feel very little sense that they could halt their flagging desire — they had just given up.

But to find sexual satisfacti­on and relight the fire within, she believes women need to feel a sense of ownership of, and responsibi­lity for, their own sexual excitement.

Writing my book about women, and the different ways in which they have explored their sexuality beyond marriage, certainly opened my mind to the possibilit­ies of finding sexual satisfacti­on within a long-term relationsh­ip.

While everyone must find their own way of staying fulfilled, more than ever I’m glad that married love is an adventure I can share with my husband.

ADAPTED by Clare Goldwin from Untrue: Why Nearly everything We Believe About Women And Lust And Infidelity Is Untrue, by Wednesday Martin, published by Scribe on October 11 at £14.99. © Wednesday Martin 2018. to order a copy for £11.99 (offer valid to October 18, 2018), visit mailshop.co.uk/books or call 0844 571 0640. p&p is free on orders over £15.

 ??  ??

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from United Kingdom