I feel so lonely and trapped caring for my mum

When letters arrive about loneliness, I am aware of the dangers of making glib replies. After all, advice columnists have been suggesting ‘joining a club’ for decades now — and I’m no exception.

That’s because it’s quite a good idea, although obviously it depends on the group and the individual. Joining a club or group can work well, or it can be a disappointment.

All you can do is try. The key thing is getting out of the house and reaching out. Being brave. Breaking

away from old habits and trying something new. This is why I am wondering why you ask me about ‘online clubs’.

Is sitting in front of your computer while your mother watches TV going to help you make friends?

Let’s talk a little bit about your domestic situation. You describe it as comfortable, but by that you mean you don’t have to worry about rent or furniture.

Yet surely you are far from being truly comfortable.

It sounds as if you feel grounddown by the situation and your mother’s increasing neediness, and realise this can only get worse. You would be a saint not to chafe. Older

people can become self- centred and it seems your mother has reached that stage.

So the feeling of social isolation you have had for many years is made much worse by this new feeling of being trapped. It seems to me that you need to break out with some urgency.

At this stage your mother must become used to your absences –— when you try to lead your own life — otherwise there’s a real danger you will end up feeling terribly resentful.

Unusually in an email, you gave me your postal address. So knowing you live in Merseyside (a large area) allowed me to do what I advise isolated people to do in their own areas: use an online search engine.

The internet has brought many problems, but it does enable people to discover possibilities. (By the way, I know not everybody is online; if that’s true in your case, you need to use the local paper and library noticeboards).

With you in mind, I did my own search. Here is a quick list of some of the things I found: Wirral aged 35-50 Social Group; Liverpool Humanists Social Meetup; Lancashire Walking Group; Cheshire and Merseyside Social Meet Ups For Fun. There’s bound to be many more, but part of the solution to your problem is putting some work in and finding out.

Have you thought of volunteering or learning? If so, visit volunteercentreliverpool.org.uk or liverpool.gov.uk/schools-andlearning/

Some years ago I had a letter from a man who felt sorry for himself: overweight and scruffy and not computer literate (his letter was a scrawl). I gave him rather a brisk talking- to — and was delighted to hear later that he had acted on all my suggestions.

One of them was to go to the public library and check out the noticeboard for computer lessons. He did so, got chatting to a lady and was happily dating her!

The point is, you never know what is going to happen.

Why don’t you go to your nearest library and stick up a notice (use coloured felt-tip pens to stand out) suggesting a local ‘natter-group’ for singles, to meet in such and such a pub? See who turns up.

When it’s your birthday, why not suggest you buy a round for workmates?

Let the sign above your head proclaim: ‘Let’s Make Life Good.’