10 questions you MUST ask to keep love alive
THE middle years of a marriage are the most challenging. The honeymoon period ended aeons ago and you’re now facing the twin stresses of children and elderly parents.
Throw in the demands of a job and running a house and it is easy for your relationship to be the last item on a long ‘to do’ list. sure, you love each other, but how connected do you feel?
Unfortunately, if you bring up any concerns, your partner is likely either to brush them away or get defensive. That’s why I use a radically different approach called Appreciative Inquiry.
Used by many businesses to improve their performance, it can revitalise your relationship. Instead of focusing on what
doesn’t work (and trying to fix it), the idea is to look at what does — and build on it.
so instead of having a supposedly romantic Valentine’s Day meal where you talk about the kids, jobs, the dog . . . ask each other my ten Appreciative Inquiry questions.
sound frightening? Don’t worry, the exercise encourages connection and creativity rather than criticism. (If any negative issues do come up, simply write them down to discuss another time.)
The aim here is to be positive — hence the name Appreciative Inquiry.
It has four parts: discover, dream, design and deliver. SET IT UP . . . HOLD hands across the table and look into each other’s eyes. Harvard psychologist Zick Rubin found couples in love spend 75 per cent of their time looking into each other’s eyes, rather than the usual 30-60 per cent. I’d like you to spend at least five minutes doing this.
Keeping eye contact is both intimate and challenging, so if your partner gets emotional squeeze his or her hand. Use the time to think about the qualities you admire in your partner.
When one of you is ready, start to share your thoughts. One- or two-word qualities work best, for example: courage, strength, compassion, kindness, beautiful eyes — and there is no need to explain. Take your time. It is all right to pause and see what comes to mind, but I would like at least five qualities.
If you’re on the receiving end, please accept the compliment by just saying thank you — — even though you might normally demur or run yourself down. Now, swap over roles.
Once you have finished this warm-up and are in a positive mood, you can start asking and answering my ten questions . . . DISCOVER
1. When we first met, what made you think I was someone special?
WHY: It is good to remember what brought you together and your original connection.
TAKE IT FURTHER: Remember funny or touching incidents from your courtship. Think about
what you did that helped to build the connection. 2. When are we at our best together? WHY: Love is built as much from overcoming obstacles as from sharing good times. What kind of circumstances bring out the best in your relationship?
TAKE IT FURTHER: How do your different strengths complement each other and help make your marriage stronger? 3. In your opinion, what was the most romantic day we have spent together?
WHY: It is likely that each of you will come up with different days. Rather than assuming your partner’s take on romance is the same as yours, here is a chance to find out what builds the connection for him or her.
TAKE IT FURTHER: go over this day in as much detail as possible so you discover the exact events or actions that made it special. 4. What do you enjoy most about our sex life? WHY: It is embarrassing to talk about sex and that’s why I have put in this question so you don’t conspire together to overlook it. TAKE IT FURTHER: It is really important to keep this conversation positive because sex can make us feel vulnerable. If you find yourself thinking about what you don’t like, flip it over. so, if you don’t like rushed sex, answer: ‘I like it when we take our time’ (even if you can’t remember when that last happened!). DREAM
5. What would be the perfect day for you, from waking up to falling asleep? WHY: This question is designed to help you think about some goals for changing your relationship.
TAKE IT FURTHER: Don’t censor yourself. It doesn’t matter if the dreams are hard to achieve. It is important, at this stage, to listen to each other and be creative together. Anything is possible — you can think about practical matters later. 6. What ambitions have you still got to achieve? WHY: One of the biggest problems in midlife is feeling bored and trapped. setting fresh goals can help your life become meaningful and focused again and avoid a midlife crisis.
TAKE IT FURTHER: Ask your partner: How can I help with
your ambitions? Instead of your beloved feeling alone or held back, you can start to become a team. Remember, you are only asking how to help your partner, not achieve the goal for them. 7. If we had all the time in the world, what would you like us to do more of together?
WHY: This question allows you to look further into the future. Contrary to popular belief, the older we are, the happier we are. The Office for National statistics collected data from 300,000 people and found life satisfaction improving from 60-plus, and the age group with the most positive ratings were aged 70 to 74.
TAKE IT FURTHER: Encourage each other in a flight of fantasy by saying: ‘Yes, and another thing we could do. . .’ DESIGN
8. How can we make our dreams come true?
WHY: After discovering what works currently in your relationship and dreaming of how it might be in the future, comes the more practical part.
TAKE IT FURTHER: Think about how your skills might help — one of you may be good at research, the other at planning.
9. What obstacles could there be and how can we overcome them?
WHY: You know all the problems, like lack of time and money, but the idea is to focus less on those and more on how to carve off enough emotional space and energy for your relationship.
TAKE IT FURTHER: If you find yourself slipping into old negative patterns or feeling anxious, hold hands and take a few deep breaths together. It is amazing how this will help you calm down and enjoy being together right here and now. DELIVER
10. What are the next steps each of us is going to take? WHY: According to the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu (601-531 BC): ‘A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.’ You are going to commit to the journey ahead by thinking about what each of you can do to start it.
TAKE IT FURTHER: Discuss what you’ve enjoyed about this experience and how you can build on it. Perhaps Appreciative Inquiry could be used for other things in your life. You’ll probably find that, just like at the start of your relationship, the time has evaporated and, if you’re at a restaurant, staff are starting to worry you’re never going to leave. AFTERWARDS...
ENDINgs are just as important as beginnings. so spend some time looking into each other’s eyes again. You could finish off by taking it turns to list all the things for which you are grateful, from the profound to the silly. For example: good health, time together, chocolate and long walks. say thank you and hug long enough for you both to relax and melt into each other. What if your partner will not do it?
PREsENT the exercise as fun rather than a test of your relationship. If your partner is frightened of being judged, he or she will be resistant to the idea.
ACKNOWLEDgE your misgivings and ask about his or hers.
DIsCUss how it could be made into a more positive experience. Perhaps doing it on Valentine’s Day adds too much pressure. If so, fix an alternative date.
IF the whole idea is still threatening, ask yourselves: what can we learn from this? Why is talking about our relationship so difficult? Do we have old messages from our childhood? For example: ‘some things are too important to talk about’ or ‘love should flow naturally’. How have these ideas served you?
PERHAPs asking your partner to answer these questions feels impossible or you’re afraid he or she will be nothing but critical. If so, consider getting professional help to learn how to talk constructively together.