Daily Mirror (Northern Ireland)
Wife won’t delete texts and number of her ex
Dear Coleen
I’ve been married to my wife for more than 20 years, but recently she was ‘text cheating’ with an ex-boyfriend. When I confronted her about it, she admitted to it and said nothing physical happened between them. Our relationship had been in a bad place for a long time, but I was still so hurt as I would never do that to her. I know I haven’t shown her the affection she deserves, both emotionally and physically, and it was like we were just co-existing in the same household for many years. I read all of their text messages to each other and it wasn’t pretty. I still love her very much and we have two beautiful girls aged 11 and six, and I would never want to hurt them. Since finding the texts on her phone, our relationship has actually been stronger and things feel great. I told her at the time that I didn’t want her to have any contact with this guy in order to rebuild my trust in her. After a couple of weeks I brought up the issue again and she was still bewildered as to why I would ask her this when things were going fine with us. After arguing about it for a while, I asked her to delete his number and the messages and she said she would, which made me feel much better. However, I recently looked at her phone and saw she’s kept this guy’s phone number and all the original text messages too. I am so confused! I feel if I confront her she’ll have a go at me for looking through her phone again. I really want to be with her, but I can’t take it that she lied to my face. How should I handle it?
Coleen says
OK, the plus side is that what happened made you realise how much you love your wife and that you hadn’t been nurturing the relationship. It was clearly a wake-up call and you’ve both started to make an effort as a result. The downside, of course, is that you’re not going to instantly trust her again – that takes time. Yes, she could have a go at you for snooping, but the fact is she said she’d delete the number and texts and she hasn’t. Your defence should be that you ought to be able to look at her phone if she’s got nothing to hide. I think what you need to say to her is that although your relationship seems to be back on track, you have to be totally transparent and honest from this point forward. Ask her if your marriage is what she wants and, if it is, then she ought to delete the messages and his number in front of you. If she’s not sure about your relationship, then you need to discuss where you go from here because she can’t have her cake and eat it. However, if things continue to go well between you, then you need to remember not to fall back into taking her for granted and neglecting the relationship.