There’s Gary but no white stripes

The Royal Variety Performance is happening! Who’d have thought in this year to end all years, we would have anything fun to look forward to?

Not only that, but guess who’s hosting it? Me! I know. As if the country hasn’t suffered enough!

It’s crazy when I think about it really. A lad from Salford, who once had his mum paint an extra white stripe on to a pair of supermarket trainers so they looked like Adidas, is hosting a royal event that has been going since 1912.

It’s a huge privilege.

It’s going to be slightly different this year. Top acts such as Gary Barlow, Melanie C and BGT winner Jon Courtenay deserve to be in front of a 3,000-strong packed Blackpool Opera House crowd, but instead it’ll be a sea of smiling faces on screens!

It’ll be like looking at the world’s biggest game of Guess Who, and I for one, can’t wait!

Hallelujah! Just when we 6

thought 2020 had been nowt but doom and gloom, up rock the scientists to save the day! y No, , I’m not talking about the he ones perfecting a vaccine e to literally save mankind. I’m talking about the Canadian boffins s who have invented “the sobering-up” ring-up” machine that can cure ure hangovers. The problem is it’s £15k! I reckon for that price most people will stick with a fry-up and staying in bed until two in the afternoon.

VARIETY Barlow