The Queen’s speech

THIS is the weirdest thing one’s been asked to do for one’s country since James Bond asked one to leap out of a helicopter, because there’s going to be as much point to this speech over the coming year as there is Dec without Ant.

All that matters is Brexit, or rather, like Charles’s daily boiled egg dilemma, if we want it soft, hard or all over one’s face.

The good news is all that stuff my Prime Minister pledged before the election won’t happen, so there’s no cap on pensioner

care costs or means-testing of the Winter Fuel Allowance. As one’s husband said: “Get in, girl.”

The bad news is, in light of recent events, we need to start making serious offers to the crackpots in our midst.

Which is why, if the DUP will accept, my government plans to ban dinosaurs from the national curriculum, Celtic shirts from sports shops and Graham Norton from the BBC.

Right, orf to Ascot now, toodle-pip.