Can I sow my wild oats without feeling guilty?

Dear Coleen

My girlfriend and I have been going out for three years.

She’s my first girlfriend and we’re both in our late 20s.

For the first two-and-a-half years, I was generally well behaved – just the occasional kiss or f riskiness with other women when away with my mates, but I never went “all the way” with any of them.

However, I recently travelled around Europe for three months and things went up a level. It was the trip of a lifetime and I must admit that I made the most of it with the women I met, taking advantage of opportunities that came my way, and also trying out a dating app.

I don’t have any feelings for any of these women, it was all just physical, but I’m not sure what it means for my relationship.

I’m also not sure whether I should come clean – the guilt isn’t too bad right now, but I know that the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to admit. To complicate matters, my girlfriend is moving into my flat and we’re going on a big holiday together, too.

I’m meant to meet a lot of her extended family on this holiday, so my indiscretions are increasingly on my mind. What should I do?

Coleen says

Don’t be in a relationship if you want to sow your wild oats. You can’t have the best of both worlds and expect to get away with it.

It’ll catch up with you in some way – the guilt will get too much and you’ll confess (and I imagine she’ll dump you) or you’ll get found out (again, she’ll probably dump you).

And, even if she never finds out, you can’t possibly be nurturing your relationship while you’re playing away, so it’ll fail anyway.

If this is your first serious relationship and you don’t feel ready, then be honest about it and take a break. Don’t move in together unless you really are willing to commit.

You seem to be treating this pretty lightly, like it’s just japes and not that big a deal, but you’re playing with someone’s feelings here.

If she knew what you’d been up to and that you’d lied to her, there’s no doubt she’d be devastated and heartbroken. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you’d feel if she’d done this to you.

I can’t imagine you’d be happy to dismiss it as “just physical” or a bit of “friskiness”.

Only you can decide whether to

The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to admit