Love Islanders... it’s time to face reality
WHEN love ends, it’s always painful... but nothing has ever hurt as much as this.
Love Island has just finished. We have never been as far away from a new series as we are now. Life is, basically, meaningless.
I’ve considered training as a marriage guidance counsellor, breaking into the house of my most interesting, attractive patients and putting cameras in every room, then suggesting they see a succession of other people, but only at home, and at the same time.
That would fill the void a bit, kind of. Quite a lot of effort to go to – plus a few possible legal and ethical issues to consider – but whatever, worth it. There are big shoes to fill here.
The only thing that makes me sadder than Love Island being over is thinking how sad the people who were on Love Island must be that it’s over. (After someone’s explained it to them, of course. A few times possibly to some. Not you, Camilla, natch.)
They’ve just spent two months lazing round in the sun, getting off with people, while their every need is catered for without them even having to ask.
It’s been like the best holiday ever – they were locked in the villa most of the time so they didn’t even have to do any boring sightseeing. But now they’re home. Back from fake reality to boring old real reality.
It is probably going to take quite some getting used to. In a bid to ease the Islanders’ transition, some advice for reacclimatising:
1 You are going to have to wear clothes again
No, thongs don’t count as clothes – not any more.
2
You are going to have to speak English
Once you’re back at your day jobs – and let’s get real, most of you will be, sooner or later – it’s not going to fly to say: “I’ve been grafting to get your engineer there, Mrs Smith, but he’s mugging me off. He’s 100% your type of engineer on paper, but I wouldn’t put all your eggs in his basket because you might get pied.” Also, using the phrase “that’s a bit of me” won’t go down well if you’re in the food service industry.
3 Sharing is no longer caring
Shouting, “I’VE GOT A TEXT!” and then reading it out loud to everyone you’re with is probably the first new habit you need to break. From now on, the only person interested in your phone activity is you (and your new girlfriend, if you’re Chris, because she is so definitely a phone checker... Good luck.)
4 Your behaviour matters
If you do something stupid/annoying/ridiculous, a Scottish comedian isn’t going to make it seem funny and endearing. It will just be stupid/annoying/ ridiculous. You have been warned.
5 Real rules apply again
If you get caught with someone who is not your partner, it’s cheating, not recoupling, OK? Nice try though.
6 Don’t put pressure on yourselves
It will probably feel really strange at first, but try to relax and give yourself some time to get used to it. It might take a while before you are able to perform in such strange conditions – alone in a bedroom with only your partner, not being filmed and broadcast to the nation – but keep the faith and you’ll get there eventually.
Act stupid now and it will no longer be endearing