Daily Mirror

You have got to be kidding...

THE IMPOSSIBLE QUESTIONS YOUR CHILDREN ASK

- BY SIOBHAN McNALLY

There are moments in every parent’s life when they are stopped in their tracks after their offspring ask a question they have no idea how to answer.

Out of the mouth of their babes comes a query so complicate­d they’d need a Phd in astrophysi­cs to even begin to come up with a response – or so bizarre they just don’t know where to start.

A poll by of 2,000 mums and dads found 54% are regularly flummoxed by the deep and meaningful or scientific questions put to them by their inquisitiv­e youngsters.

But they need worry no longer, as our parenting columnist Siobhan McNally puts her tongue firmly in her cheek to come up the answers to the top 20 impossible questions mums and dads face from their little darlings...

1 What does God look like? Father Christmas – without the red bobble hat. Or these days, Mother Christmas, and no one knows what she looks like either.

2 What came first, the chicken or the egg? The egg, when it was laid millions of years ago by parents of dubious chicken-like parentage. Dinosaurs with feathers which eventually clucked off. Mainly though it’s a metaphor.

3 Where do you go when you die? Every religion has its own one-way trip to the afterlife in Heaven, Paradise, Nirvana or Garden of Eden. But Buddhists believe in reincarnat­ion, which means you get a return ticket. I like the idea of the Viking Valhalla where, legend has it, the liquor is free-flowing.

4 What are black holes? My entire knowledge of astronomy is based on back episodes of Star Trek, but I’m pretty sure that the gravitatio­nal pull of black holes can’t actually swallow the Starship Enterprise. Beam me up, Swotty.

5 Why do people die? To make room for new, hopefully better, people. Although I do have this theory that Joan Collins would still be alive in a post-apocalypti­c world.

6 How did the world begin? Like all life begins – with a big bang. Some people believe that it took seven days, but they mainly belong to the Flat Earth Society.

7 Where do babies come from? Ask your father… I did...

8 How does the internet work?

You plug a magic box in the wall, find nothing happens, then spend two hours listening to power ballads on hold before a bored call centre worker tells you

to switch it off and on a few times.

9 What is infinity? A big con. I refer you to question 8.

10 Where does wind come from? I blame the dog.

11 Why do we have a leap year?

The Romans started it when they gave us a calendar with 365 days a year instead of 366. If we didn’t catch up every four years with an extra day, June would end up in the winter. Unless you live in the UK, when June feels like winter anyway.

12 What makes the Earth spin?

Mixing your drinks. Ha. No, I mean it’s something to do with magnetic poles which can repel and can attract that creates movement. Yes I am still talking sciency stuff here.

13 Why does cutting onions make you cry? Probably because Mummy is having to cook another dinner yet again. Did you know that women spend nearly three years of their life slaving over a hot stove – now that’s eyewaterin­g. Hello? Are you listening to me...?

14 How does TV work? No idea – your father has never given me custody of the remote control. 15 Why is water wet? Water is water – you only get wet when you feel water. Which reminds me, when was the last time you had a bath? (sniffs child)

16 Why is blood red? It’s not just the royals who are bluebloode­d – we all are. But when oxygen mixes with blood, it turns red. A bit like Donna Air trying to knobble the Middleton brother.

17 How do planes fly? Aeronautic­al boffins will tell you it’s the shape of the wing that makes airplanes fly, but every time I catch a flight and we’re speeding down the runway, I lean forward on takeoff… just to make sure.

18 How do telephones work? In the olden days, people answered their Bakelite black rotary dial phones with BBC received pronunciat­ion: “Hello? Whitehall 9470? Hello?” and an actual voice would travel down the telephone wire and tell them someone’s been

murdered. These days there are no wires, but you still want to murder someone who is on their phone all the bloody time.

19 Why am I right/left handed? Depends which side your brain uses to process speech – right-handed people tend to process language on the left hand side, and left-handed on the righthand side of the brain. While those annoying people who say they can

use both their left and their right hands are in fact speaking out of their bottoms.

20 How does the car work? I don’t know but it must be very, very difficult to understand because my car mechanic, who must be some sort of genius, charges me a fortune to fix it.

 ??  ??
 ??  ?? CRACKED IT Chicken or the egg?
CRACKED IT Chicken or the egg?
 ??  ?? WET BEHIND EARS Wash time
WET BEHIND EARS Wash time
 ??  ?? FINAL FRONTIER Star Trek
FINAL FRONTIER Star Trek
 ??  ?? RING OF TRUTH Tears over onions
RING OF TRUTH Tears over onions
 ??  ??

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