Daily Mirror

It’s the end of the world as we know it

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ACCORDING to brimstone-sniffing religious nutters and halitosis-breathed conspiracy theorists the world will end today.

An apocalypti­c theory termed Revelation 12 Sign predicts that The Rapture, as set out in the Book of Revelation­s, will be fulfilled on 23/9/17, when a celestial alignment heralds the End of Days.

At some point a great sign will appear in the skies as “a woman clothed with the sun with the moon under her feet and a crown of 12 stars on her head” descends to lift “worthy” Christians into heaven while the rest of us sinners begin a slow and painful descent into Hell.

That’s the bad news. The good news is, if it happens before 9.35pm, you won’t have to sit through a Mrs Brown’s Boys episode which has been repeated so many times you feel the urge to selfimmola­te outside the BBC in protest.

We’ve had these apocalypti­c prediction­s before which turned out to be as accurate as pre-election opinion pollsters, but the Christian ‘numerologi­sts’ behind them, like the pollsters, never apologise. They just shamelessl­y move on to the next big con. Which is why this time we should say to the fear-peddlers whose threats are aimed at making us weep and repent: “bring it on”.

Because, as we glance around us, maybe the end of the world wouldn’t be the end of the world. If you know what I mean.

Take a look at the man who’s been elected Leader of the Free World, partly by many of the swiveleyed, God-fearing Bible bashers who pray for eternal damnation to be visited on the rest of us.

Donald Trump has used his first ever speech at the UN, whose objectives are promoting “internatio­nal co-operation and keeping world peace,” to threaten to “totally destroy” North Korea with his nuclear arsenal.

Who needs a woman with 12 stars on her head coming down to wipe us out when we’ve already got a man with the coats of 12 dead rodents on his head, determined to do her job for her? Especially when there’s another tragically coiffured, small-penis

syndrome sufferer in Pyongyang wanting to play the same blow ’em up game.

We don’t need to wait for a celestial alignment when mankind has recklessly turned the planet’s central heating system up so high we’ve got record-breaking hurricanes blowing the Caribbean away and floods wiping out islands in the Indian and Pacific oceans.

And if nukes and global warming don’t get you, tax-avoiding search engine giants who show fanatics how to make bombs might. Let’s face it, when Nobel Peace Prize winners like Aung San Suu Kyi turn a blind eye to ethnic cleansing, mankind as a species, is doomed.

Basically there’s nothing we can do apart from cryogenica­lly freeze ourselves and wait a century to start again. But seeing as it takes A&Es five hours to look at your sprained ankle I doubt the NHS has the funds to help.

This means only the very rich could afford it, and even if you won a Willy Wonka-style golden ticket to join them you’d wake up in 100 years to find you’re sharing a pod with Philip Green and Alan Sugar. Which has to be worse than death.

So relax, folks. If The Rapture comes today just shrug your shoulders and realise the world was about to end anyway.

In the meantime, do what I plan to do instead of sitting around waiting for it. Go out and get rapture-faced.

We could just freeze ourselves for a century and start again

 ??  ?? WARPATH Trump’s speech at the UN
WARPATH Trump’s speech at the UN

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