Worried about gorgeous ‘friend’ he had sex with

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my new boyfriend for a couple of months. We met when we started university and everything was going great.

However, when we went home for the holidays he introduced me to his friends and I’m starting to have doubts. I found out that right up until he started university he was sleeping with one of the girls he’s friends with.

She broke up with her longterm boyfriend in July, and throughout the summer she and my boyfriend were having casual sex.

He assured me they are ‘just friends’ and claims she needed someone, and he was there for her, but that they never felt romantically attached.

That might have been OK, but then he ended by saying ‘she’s out of my league anyway’. Surely he knew that would be hurtful for me?

He’s right – the girl is gorgeous and a student doctor, so how am I supposed to be comfortable with her being friends with my boyfriend, knowing they used to sleep together? I should mention she is deliberately hostile and condescending towards me, but passes it off as being witty so people think I’m overreacting when I get upset. How do I deal with this?

Coleen says

I think the way you feel is partly down to insecurity because it’s such a new relationship.

You’re still finding your feet and getting to know each other, and you’re not quite sure how much of a threat this girl is – or if your boyfriend is telling you the whole truth.

But here’s the thing, the holidays will be over soon and you’ll be back at university together and his friend will be back at her uni.

The next time you all meet up, you’ll have been dating your boyfriend for longer and your relationship will be stronger, and I’m sure you’ll feel less bothered by her.

The reason for her rudeness could actually be jealousy, but if she’s hostile towards you again, then stand up for yourself. I’m pretty sure she’ll be quick to back down.

Have some more confidence in yourself and your great qualities.

As for your boyfriend’s hurtful comment about her ‘being out of his league’, that sounds to me like a clumsy attempt to reassure you nothing serious could ever happen between them.

He just didn’t do it in the right way (men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and all that).

It hurt me when he said she was out of his league