I’d be in meltdown after a nuke alert
HEARING that a ballistic missile alert had been texted to people in Hawaii by accident, there were three things it was impossible not to think.
First – that such a massive, serious mistake being made was unbelievable. It sounded like something that would only happen in a film, not real life.
Secondly, those poor, poor people who got it, they must have been terrified.
And third – hopefully after a decent-ish amount of time genuinely spent thinking of others – what would I have done?
The text itself was pretty direct: BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. It was all in caps, like a mad person who’s angry about something on the internet, and had no emojis, so it would have been jarring even if it wasn’t announcing the imminent end of your life.
Obviously, like everyone, my entire knowledge of nuclear stuff comes from When The Wind Blows by Raymond Briggs... but if memory serves, the couple in that were prepared and had already built a bunker. Me? Not so much, unfortunately.
I have to assume that if my bunkerless self did get that text, I’d turn to the faithful, reliable one who is always there for me, and happy to help – Google. Searching for a nuclear shelter in my area (probably wouldn’t want to have to travel too far, ideally, right?) I don’t have much faith – but whadda ya know, up pops a map immediately. The words “Kelvedon Hatch Secret Nuclear Bunker” are in big, bold type next to a bright red pin. Hopefully they’re better at the nuclear bunker part of their endeavour than they are at the secret bit, eh? The only drawbacks are that it is currently closed – not that helpful – and that it only has a 4.6 star review. If I’m going to be spending eternity somewhere, I would prefer it to be a 4.8 at least.
Underneath is a link to an article entitled “If a nuclear bomb goes off, this is the most important thing you can do to survive.’” Far be it for me to criticise a fellow journalist’s work, but the writer could have been a tad more concise. For a piece which will be read in a situation when every second counts, he takes agonisingly long to get to the point – which is “Shelter, shelter, shelter.” YEAH I KNEW THAT.
Any further info? “The same place you would go to protect yourself from a tornado is a great place to go.” Oh perfect – because we all immediately know where that is, don’t we?
In summary: I would be completely useless in the event of an impending nuclear attack. Practically, I wouldn’t have a clue. Emotionally, you would probably want to hug your important people and tell them how much they mean to you... but, as many residents of Hawaii sadly discovered last weekend, sometimes nuclear warnings happen at the most inconvenient times.
Everyone you love might be out. Worse, they might all be at different places, so you had to make the agonising decision of which one to try to get to.
It’s unlikely you’d even be able to reach anyone on the phone, either. I would probably end up home alone, having a full on nervous breakdown with a side order of extremely undignified panic, being watched by my least adventurous cat. So – apart from the complete obliteration of the world – business pretty much as usual then.
Sadly, the nuclear bunker only has a 4.6 review