Mutual pals have sided with hubby since split

Dear Coleen

I was married to my husband for almost 30 years and last year he announced he was leaving me for a mutual, much younger friend of ours.

My husband is a larger than life personality and everybody loves him. He has his own local business and hires lots of our friends and their children and so on. He’s great company and a superb host, whereas I’ve always been much shyer than him.

So I’ve always loved being a part of his busy world. Over our 30-year marriage we’ve built up a great many friends whom we’ve holidayed with regularly. However, since my husband left me, less than a handful have stayed in touch and most have seemed to side with him.

I realise it’s hard for people when their friends divorce and I wouldn’t expect our pals to ditch him for me. I thought they would remain friendly with both of us, but this just doesn’t seem to have happened.

In a way it feels like a worse or similar betrayal to him cheating on me and leaving me. It’s just so hurtful. One couple I considered very good friends are even planning a weekend away with my ex and his new girlfriend.

Why are people being so hurtful?

Coleen says

Oh, I really feel for you. I just think one of the worst things about splitting up with somebody, especially when you’ve been together a long time, is the loss of friendships you built up when you were a couple.

When I divorced my first husband we had a few great mutual friends that I never spoke to again. It’s hurtful but it’s difficult for friends.

I don’t have any bad feelings towards them because I met them through Shane and then lost them when we broke up.

It’s hard because at the same time as going through a painful divorce you feel as if you’re losing friends. But you say some have stayed in touch, so build on those friendships.

It might be less than a handful but start there and then get out and make your own friends. It won’t happen overnight, but you’ll get there. Friends are a casualty of any split, as are in-laws, who you can also lose touch with during a divorce.

One last thing. You say that people have sided with your ex but have you tried contacting them?

You say you’re shy, but there’s nothing wrong with ringing them up and saying, “I’d still like to meet up now and then for a cuppa if you fancy it.”