Does my boyfriend not care about my feelings?

Dear Coleen

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. When we first lived together, I moved almost everything I owned into storage because of space issues. When we found a larger place, I went to retrieve my belongings and most of them had been stolen.

I was heartbroken. I told him about it, sobbing, and he was pretty dismissive and callous, telling me it was “just stuff ”.

I considered breaking up with him based on that comment alone, but I reminded myself that no one person can provide you with all the emotional support you need in life.

I decided lacking empathy was a shortcoming of his and I needed to adjust my expectations of what he was capable of. So, I stopped telling him about really big things, which worked fine, as my mum is supportive and I have an amazing best friend, too.

But the other night, out of nowhere, he confronted me about something he thought I was hiding about my past. I wasn’t really hiding it, I just wasn’t willing to be vulnerable with him about it, given his attitude.

He was hurt and angry so, in an effort to be more transparent, I told him two very big things from my past that only my mother knows about.

His response was horrifying – he said nothing. He didn’t even turn off the TV or hug me. Then he said, “I’m sorry, I think you’ve told me those stories before.” I was gobsmacked and cried myself to sleep, while he stayed on the couch.

I knew he didn’t have the emotional capacity to be supportive in the way I needed, but I feel like this was too much. Is he a narcissist or just emotionally stunted?

Coleen says

I think it’s likely to be the latter. Some people are emotionally constipated if you like, and don’t know what to say or how to deal with this kind of information, hence his throwaway comment “I think you’ve told me before” in an effort to sweep it quickly under the carpet and move on.

Emotionally, you approach things very differently, so you have to ask yourself, if you stay together, will this become more and more of an issue?

It might seem simple to you and me – giving someone a hug, telling them it’ll be OK and giving reassurance – but for some it doesn’t come naturally and it’s hard to change, especially if it’s how he’s been brought up.

I know people who’ve grown up in families that never showed emotion and it’s had a huge impact on their close relationships as adults. So you might have to face the fact that he can’t change.

Think about what you want and whether you’re compatible long term because you will face challenges in life and need his support – whether it’s bringing up kids, redundancy, bereavement and so on. Therapy could help if he’d agree to it.