I despise my daughter’s surly, arrogant boyfriend

Dear Coleen

My daughter, who’s 20 and at uni, has been going out with her boyfriend for two years.

They’re living with us at the moment and I’m at breaking point because I can’t stand his attitude.

He’s a complete leech – he’s always borrowing money to spend on himself, which he never pays back, and he doesn’t contribute a penny to household expenses, claiming he’s broke.

However, he still seems able to go to the pub every other night. If we get a takeaway or go grocery shopping he just expects us to pay for his share.

My husband gets annoyed about it too, but I think he’s worried about rocking the boat as our daughter is head over heels in love with this guy. So I’m left seething and resenting him more and more.

I don’t want him living with us any more, sponging off us and not appearing in the slightest bit grateful. Instead, he’s surly and arrogant. To be honest, I just don’t know what our daughter sees in him. He’s quite a handsome lad, but his personality stinks, that’s for sure!

What can I do? The situation is driving me mad.

Coleen says

I think you need to stop walking on eggshells around your daughter and claim your home back. I’d simply tell him you think it’s time he started looking for a permanent place to live

He claims he’s broke but always goes to the pub

as this arrangement can’t carry on long term. In the meantime, don’t pay for his dinner or his groceries – in fact, they’re both old enough to be buying and making their own food. Perhaps if things aren’t so comfortable at your house, they’ll suddenly be pretty keen to find a place of their own!

Look, he’s behaving like this because he can – you’re letting him get away with it. So stand up to him and lay down the house rules, and ask your husband to back you up.

And speak to your daughter, too. I understand your husband doesn’t want to alienate her, but you can point out why the situation can’t carry on indefinitely without actually saying you don’t like her boyfriend.

As for that last point, we can’t choose our children’s partners for them and sometimes we don’t like them. But resist the temptation to go into a full-blown character assassination because, knowing young people as I do, it’ll only make her dig her heels in harder.

Hopefully, his halo will slip soon and she’ll wake up to what he’s really like.