Wife is unhappy but do I try to save our marriage?

The intimacy has gone between us, sex is a chore

Dear Coleen

After five years of marriage my wife has just left me claiming she’s been unhappy for the past two years, unbeknown to me.

We’re both 47 and she had a nine-month affair during the second year of our marriage, but I forgave her.

She cheated on her first husband and walked out on him, too, so it seems it’s a case of deja vu.

Lately she’d been going out a lot and staying out late with her mate (who’s single), and not coming home until the small hours, worse for wear.

I’m pretty sure she’s been seeing someone else. I caught her acting suspiciously the other week while on her phone, and when I asked to see who was messaging her, she refused point-blank to let me look, which started alarm bells ringing.

Then she dropped the bombshell that she had genital herpes, which naturally made me even more suspicious. Also, the intimacy has gone between us and she finds having sex with me a chore.

She doesn’t seem interested in trying to sort out our problems – she seems to want the single life with me paying for it.

I still cover all the bills and she left me with her two grown-up lads who she really hasn’t given a thought to throughout this. She only works part time, so I don’t know how she can afford to go out as often as she does.

I also think she’s hoping to get the house and a share of my pension. Is it worth trying to save this marriage?

Coleen says

You can’t save a marriage on your own and it seems clear to me that she doesn’t want to try. I honestly think you’d be fighting a losing battle.

And looking at your letter, you’ve said nothing to make me think there’s anything worth saving. You haven’t even said you love her, there’s no respect, no connection, sex is a chore and she’s picked up genital herpes. I’m struggling to see why you want to save this marriage.

And because she wants to gain financially from the marriage, get some legal advice.

You deserve better. Why be in a marriage where you always wonder what she’s up to and who she’s with?

And if there is anything to save, let her fight for it, let her convince you why you shouldn’t get divorced.

But don’t blame yourself for any of what’s happened. It sounds as if you’ve been a good husband and you’ve tried to make things work. You’re still young and have time to meet a partner who does love and respect you.

Good luck.