Daily Mirror

Penpal who helped me in my grief is getting creepy

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Dear Coleen

My husband passed away 11 months ago. It would have been our 51st wedding anniversar­y and his 72nd birthday last autumn, but we didn’t get to celebrate.

I was clearing out some things and had some used postage stamps I wanted to donate somewhere. Charity shops wouldn’t take them, so I looked online and found the name and address of someone to send them to.

This was a month or so after I lost my husband.

I got a nice thank you note in return, which I hadn’t expected and just assumed that was the end of it.

Then I got a Christmas card from the same man, so I sent one back and we’ve been writing to each other ever since. He’s told me a little about himself and I’ve done the same in return.

I was 70 in February and he sent me some flowers and more at Easter, and on occasion he’s called me ‘darling’ in our correspond­ence. He calls himself my ‘pen friend’, which is fine. Now he’s sent me a necklace with my birthstone in it. I don’t know how I feel about all this. I’ve never been in this position before. He told me his birthday is in October (the same month as my husband’s birthday) which feels a bit creepy somehow.

Friends think it’s marvellous, but I’m not sure. He lives miles away, which I’m pleased about, as he can’t just drop

He’s called me darling in letters and sent necklace

in. Do you think I’m overreacti­ng? I’d love your advice.

Coleen says

If this friendship is making you feel uneasy, then stop it.

Perhaps initially it was nice and seemed kind for him to thank you, but if it’s starting to feel too much and you’re not sure you want to keep going down this avenue, then you can end it politely.

I think if you were ready to consider a romantic relationsh­ip and he was the right person, then you wouldn’t be feeling the way you do. Perhaps he’s just lonely and doesn’t realise he’s oversteppi­ng the mark by coming on too strong.

So you also have the option of saying you’re happy to remain friends, but make it clear that you’re not interested in anything else.

I wonder also if writing to this man helped when you first lost your husband, but now you feel ready to move on in a different way.

Your loss is still pretty recent, so make sure you allow yourself to grieve for your husband and are being kind to yourself.

If you want to talk about him and remember him, I’m sure friends and family would be happy to listen, and there’s also the option of bereavemen­t counsellin­g (visitcruse.org.uk).

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