I can’t trust people after being accused of assault

Dear Coleen

I’m a 28-year-old man and I’d been living at a mate’s house, hanging out with him and his girlfriend, her sister and their friends, who are all a bit younger than I am.

We all got on really well for the best part of a year. My mate’s girlfriend’s sister was seeing his brother for a while and she would come to me for advice about their relationship.

One night when I came home from a club, I found her and her friend in my bed. This wasn’t that unusual and when it happened, I’d go to the living room and sleep on the couch.

That night she followed me down, talking about how my mate’s brother didn’t want anything serious, and she seemed upset. We spoke about it and then she started talking about sex and what she liked in bed.

We fell asleep on the couch together and the following morning I woke up to her touching me and she put my hands on her. I went with it, but after a few minutes, she got up and took off.

Later, she texted me saying I’d assaulted her. I was shocked and after speaking to a few of my friends, I decided to go to the police and told her I’d done so. She then panicked, so she went to see them, too.

I told my family and friends what happened and now I’m paranoid they’ll think I’m capable of assaulting someone. I get really depressed when I’m on my own and find it very hard to trust people now.

My family have reassured me that they understand, but I’m finding it hard. How could someone I thought I knew do this to me?

I even fear talking to girls if I’m out because of what they might claim. How can I move on from this?

Coleen says

This is an awful situation to be in, but it sounds as if your family and friends have been, and continue to be, very supportive. And while it sticks with you and you might think about it a lot, other people won’t be doing that and will just be getting on with their lives. You know what she claimed never happened and it sounds as if she went to the police to confirm that. She clearly has issues and maybe she felt guilty about her boyfriend and it was a foolish and immature attempt to cover her tracks.

What you mustn’t do is allow what happened to affect future relationships. I know it’s an easy thing to say because, naturally, you’ll be wary.

However, when anyone meets a new person, trust always has to be earned. It’s not an instant thing. So it’s OK to take time getting to know someone and the trust will happen organically if you’re with the right person.

I would also consider having counselling if you’re struggling to move on and it’s preventing you from living your life. It’ll also take the pressure off your relationships with family and friends by giving you a professional avenue to talk about what happened.

I was shocked by her actions and told police