THIS ISN’T THE RETIRED LIFE I DREAMED OF

Dear Coleen

My husband and I have been married for 27 years and we have four grown-up children who have all left home, and two of them have families of their own.

I stopped working to raise a family and my husband retired last year. I thought this would be the start of a lovely era of spending lots of time together, but he’s always in the pub and I see less of him now than I did when he was working.

I’ve tried telling him how I feel, but nothing changes. I want to focus on our garden, and travel or see friends. But he just wants to potter about in his shed or go to the pub. I feel so lonely. What can I do?

Coleen says

This sounds so familiar! Right, I know you say you’ve tried to talk to your husband but I think it’s now time for a serious discussion.

It sounds like you had all these ideas of what your retirement years would be like, but you never told your husband – you just expected him to be a mind reader! So you need to be really honest and tell him how lonely you feel.

It’s not like you’re saying he can’t ever go to the pub, but there needs to be compromise.

For example, could Friday night be his pub night and Saturday night be your night together?

It also sounds like you need to make a bit of a life for yourself away from your husband. You have four children, so could you get more involved with them or help with your grandchildren?

You’ve devoted your life to raising kids, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve carved out a life of your own. Take up a hobby, make new friends, or focus on old ones. Your husband does need to spend more time with you, but you need to make a life for yourself as well and not just rely on him for company.