Daily Star Sunday

No Russian this sluggish ‘thriller’

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WHAT do we want from a spy drama? Action, suspense, intrigue, a gripping plot, sexual chemistry.

Everything The Secret Agent lacks.

Bowler-hatted anti-hero Anton Verloc looks like a grumpy version of Fred the Homepride flour man.

The story was inspired by a real-life attempt to blow up the Royal Observator­y in 1894. Verloc runs a seedy Soho shop selling the Victorian equivalent of porn, sort of The Mucky Pictures of Dorian Gray.

He’s an anarchist and an informer, taking Russian roubles to pass on his comrades’ plans, which don’t appear to include having baths any time soon.

Unfortunat­ely, his arrogant new handler Vladimir wants to up the ante. “England is in need of a jolly good scare,” Vlad sneers. “To summon the country from its slumber…”

Either Verloc’s mob bombs the observator­y, he says, or the Russkies cut off his cash.

Now Verloc’s bollocksed. He needs Russian dosh (like the script needs Russian doping) to hang on to Winnie, his much younger missus.

But when he suggests direct action, his fellow plotters bottle it. Verloc is left with just one accomplice – the Professor, a failed lab technician who wanders around in a coat packed with explosives. It sounds exciting but it THE only reason to watch Eden is in the hope that they will turn on each other, Lord of the Flies- style.

The 23 dopes have been dumped in the Highlands where they must survive for a year through the harsh realities of winter, savage midges and stray SNP canvassers. There’s a Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday, 10 Lower Thames Street, London EC3R 6EN isn’t. The story, based on a Joseph Conrad novel, unfolds so slowly it could have been scripted by Chilcot.

Our green, green grass feigns interest in Winnie’s backwards brother Stevie, who will doubtless be conned into taking part.

The poor kid is so simple you could distract him from anything just by throwing a stick.

Can the Peelers foil the dastardly plot? It doesn’t look promising.

Chief Inspector Heat is the nearest this show has to a hero, yet when Heat discovers the Prof is a walking killzone he does sod-all about it. The strangest thing about this snoozy plumber, a cook, a life coach (?!?) etc. They all seem a bit dull, except for Anton who is borderline bonkers and clearly thinks the rest of them are nitwits. He’s right. Building a solid shelter obviously mattered more than getting smashed on potato hooch. But Anton’s temper and stubbornne­ss tale is that it’s been made for TV at least three times before and filmed twice.

It’s become a knee-jerk cultural reaction to the terrorism of the IRA, the Angry Brigade and now Islamic State.

Yet none of the adaptation­s have been much cop, largely because the novel is more an irony-heavy character study than a thriller.

BEST-SELLERS in Verloc’s Victorian filth emporium: Moby’s Dick, Madame’s Ovaries, Jude The Obscene, Dr Jekyll & Mrs Hyde, Back Passage To India, The Adventures of Huckleberr­y Sin… show how rival tribes develop. He built his own shelter, they nicked his grub…in earlier times war would surely follow. But the biggest drama was them slaughteri­ng a pig for food (Is a bacon sarnie only okay if you don’t know how it died?).

A goat copped it, too, because the idiots forgot to fence off the chicken feed. If all else fails they could eat the life coach.

ROBERT the animal doctor copped off with Jasmine, the unfeasibly attractive yoga instructor. Shouldn’t happen to a vet…

Do vets do it doggy style, I wonder? On Love Island we’d have seen. RAMI Malek, right, Mr Robot (Universal) …Danny Baker… People Just Do Nothing…Vikings (Lifetime)…The Late Late Show (Sky1). THE Secret Agent – a load of old Verlocs…Jolyon Rubinstein, left, – Dennis Pennis with a degree… Brexageddo­n – satire fail.

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 ??  ?? OLD HAT: Plotter Anton Verloc and, inset, Chief Insp Heat
OLD HAT: Plotter Anton Verloc and, inset, Chief Insp Heat
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