Stupid Cupid’s just harrowing
IN Walford, even Cupid carries a cosh. Poor Whitney had TV’s worst Valentine’s experience courtesy of her husband Lee.
Days after he hit her, the gormless git did a moonlight flit leaving Whit to pay for their last romantic meal.
He didn’t even leave a goodbye note to fit the occasion. Something like: “Roses are red, violets ain’t bad/I’m moving on, have a crack at me dad.”
Or: “My account’s in the red, no wonder I’m blue/I gave you Chlamydia and now we’re through.”
It was all Mick’s fault. He’d told his soppy son: “If you love her you should leave her” – advice that was in no way related to the possibility that he could be bumping bits with fit Whit any day now. Honest.
If you ended up watching Valentinethemed TV then your day must have gone seriously wrong. But maybe not as badly as the poor saps who got picked for Celebs Go Dating.
Cute Kelly suffered the indignity of having to go out with boorish berk Stephen Bear. Typical question: “How long does it normally take before boys get in your panties?”
Tsk. And they say romance is dead. Bear snogged and swerved Stacey, walked out on another date and asked a Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday, 10 Lower Thames Street, London EC3R 6EN group of girls he’d just met “Are all your minges shaved?” We’re not talking Keats or Coleridge here, but if we were he’d probably think they played on the wing for Accrington Stanley.
Diversity’s Perri went on his first-ever date with Charlotte, 19, taking her to a booze-free burger bar. “Who doesn’t like a burger and a milkshake?” he asked.
“Probably your date and anyone else over the age of 11,” quipped Rob Beckett, whose voice-over is the only thing that makes the series bearable.
Ferne McCann moaned about the “cut-throat” dating world. You were seeing a banker, luv, not Jack the Ripper. And Jorgie Porter showed why she’s still single by making date Harry buy her lobster.
She didn’t know how to eat it and ended up splattered. “If you want a doggy bag, just say,” he joked.
Cupid misfired more arrows over on First Dates, where Steve blew his chances with Elaine by insisting they split the bill.
The moral, mate, in the immortal words of Chas & Dave, is always: “Pay up and look big.”
ONE in eight people under 40 met their spouse online, we’re told. The other seven met someone else’s… SAS: Rogue Warriors…Dan Stevens, right, Legion (Fox)…Luke Cage (Netflix)… Emayatzy Corinealdi, Roots. GREAT British Skinny Dip, left – more duff than buff…Celebs Go Dating – you’ve met the Kardashians, now meet the Car-crashians…The Kettering Incident – Zzzz Files. ONE’S from Are You Being Served?, the other is more a case of why aren’t you being serviced? NASTY Nick star John Altman will be doing a one-man show on Mothers’ Day. Really? The only thing Nick ever did for poor old Dot was poison her. RUSSIA’S Hooligan Army say they want to emulate British football casuals of the 1980s. Not in those clothes, girlfriends. REBEL slave Kunta Kinte was brutally mutilated on Roots. He ended up with a foot and a half. Blimey. No wonder Belle married him. TV’s over-reliance on hot women on mortuary slabs. The open-front dresses flat-chested actresses like to wear – it’s like Cheggers walking around with his flies undone. Luvvie moans about EU film subsidies – if they made movies people want to watch they wouldn’t need ’em.