Grip­ping... and that’s not a lie

Daily Star Sunday - - FRONT PAGE - ● ●

THE dis­mal stan­dard of stand-up on the BBC. David Mitchell’s dreary, one-note bleat­ing. Ab­surd over-re­ac­tion to Paul Hol­ly­wood’s fancy dress out­fit – if he’d gone as Freddy Krueger would it mean he sym­pa­thised with dream-in­vad­ing se­rial killers? Grow up! PAUL Hol­ly­wood was talk­ing about cot­tage loafs on Bake Off when he said: B.Sykes of Sud­bury wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em com­ing to the ad­dress at the top of the page.

PRUE Leith told Kate she needed “the fin­ger treat­ment” on Bake Off. For all pos­si­ble punch-lines, see Jimmy Carr.

BACK­WARDS-run­ning drama Rel­lik was yako. Just a bit too ykcim­mig.

Why’s Brian Cox’s face ag­ing faster than his hair?

If you get stitchedup by Watch­dog who do you com­plain to?

A Safe House is by def­i­ni­tion meant to be dis­creet, so why does ITV’s one stand out like an ea­ger bride­groom on hon­ey­moon?

TYP­I­CAL. You wait years to see a hot, wine-guz­zling woman with men­tal health is­sues on TV and another comes along a week later...

Date rape is at the dirty heart of Liar.

Did hand­some sur­geon An­drew “do a Bill Cosby” (al­legedly) and slip poor Laura pills? Or did the peachy teacher get so sloshed she couldn’t re­mem­ber say­ing yes?

My gut feel­ing is that com­pli­cated than that.

Laura’s sis­ter Kate con­vinced her to date the charm­ing wid­ower, a col­league at the hos­pi­tal. It started well.

A meal on Deal pier and a fun, flirty night. He walked her home like a gent and would’ve called a cab home if his mo­bile hadn’t conked out.

Laura in­vited him in and then...their sto­ries dif­fer. She says she asked him to stop. He says she told him to get a con­dom from her bath­room. Who’s ly­ing?

The next day, he sent her a “thank you” text and Laura called the cops. An­drew was duly col­lared. But med­i­cal tests showed no sign of rape or strug­gle and she hadn’t been drugged...

He says he took Laura’s clothes off but she woke it’s more Email me at: garry.bushell@ dai­ or write c/o Daily Star Sun­day,

10 Lower Thames Street, Lon­don

EC3R 6EN up wear­ing them. His wife killed her­self. Maybe he’s not as per­fect as he looks.

She has a his­tory of med­i­ca­tion for un­spec­i­fied men­tal prob­lems.

She was knock­ing back plonk all evening. Her brother-in-law Liam asked Kate if the po­lice know “what hap­pened last time”.

Some­one else could’ve been in­volved. Why her long chat with the cab driver if he isn’t sig­nif­i­cant? It’s un­likely ITV would wan­der into such a politi­cised area with­out a get-out clause.

Laura needed a boost af­ter break­ing up with Tom, her child­hood sweet­heart. She has no idea he’s knock­ing off Kate.

Her im­pul­sive so­cial me­dia rant is bound to back­fire.

There’s no way An­drew’s son would still be in her English class if he’d been nicked for rap­ing her.

Down­ton star Joanne Frog­gatt and Ioan Gruf­fudd are per­fectly cast as the main play­ers.

She has a knack for con­vey­ing dif­fer­ent emo­tions si­mul­ta­ne­ously. He is whole­some re­spectabil­ity per­son­i­fied.

Odds are Liar will keep us gripped. Just don’t tell Mr Bates. IOAN Gruf­fudd, Liar...Deanna Muss­ing­ton, right, The X Fac­tor...Jodi Bal­four...Black Lake (BBC4) Out­lander (AmPrime). LEN Good­man’s Part­ners in Rhyme, left – Len’s cranky, the show’s manky...Static – scrap it...Jor­dan “Riz­zle” Stephens, Celebrity Is­land – to­tally shiz­zle. AR­RAN took his sex-bot on This Morn­ing. Sa­man­tha can talk phi­los­o­phy and is ap­par­ently pro­grammed with 1,000 jokes (999 more than Josie Long).

His wife ad­mit­ted they have “three­somes”, and that wasn’t even the creepi­est bit. They let their small chil­dren play with it! (“Mum, what’s this leak­ing out of Daddy’s dolly?”...“Well it doesn’t taste like yo­gurt...”)

SA­MAN­THA is said to come with “au­then­tic fe­male re­sponses”.

Un­likely. Un­less those re­sponses are: “That ceil­ing needs paint­ing”, “Not tonight, I’ve got a headache”, “Here, do you fancy my sis­ter?” and “Why should I do that? It’s not your birth­day.”

BROMANS is TOWIE meets Plebs. Cocky mod­ern lads in a coli­seum – a great idea. Now bring on the lions.

■ TROU­BLE: An­drew and Laura get cosy on sofa

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