CELEBRITY Ghost Hunt came with the disclaimer “this programme is for entertainment purposes only”.
Just in case anyone believed Rylan Clark-Neal was going to seriously investigate the paranormal with probing intellects like Sam from Geordie Shore and Nadia Essex from, umm, Fulham.
Show one served up faint groaning in a former Wicklow jail, which was more than most people heard on Celebs Go Dating – Nad’s old show.
Maybe she was chasing the ghost of her P45.
They blundered in the dark – the way illuminated only by Rylan’s radiant choppers – waving pointless EMF meters (used to diagnose electrical problems, not detect spirits).
The scariest thing they encountered was a waxwork of a convict.
The show’s saving grace was Alex Gibbs. Her psychic abilities are probably no more advanced than those of Mystic Marcus on This Morning but she doesn’t half light up the screen.
BEST ever Ghost Hunt quote? Ollie Locke asking “Is there an alpha male screaming to come out of me?” If so, he wouldn’t be the first… BOFFINS are developing “smart trousers” to help elderly wearers stand. Hopefully their celeb-rescue range includes BoJo strides that won’t drop in the presence of anyone you’re not married to… SUE Smith was describing how Craig Cathcart manoeuvred to score against Spurs on Sky Sport when she gasped: V.Evans of Leeds wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page. CRINGEY sex and dull therapy scenes on Wanderlust. Nish Kumar – so far up his own backside he’d need a Thai cave rescue team to dig him out. Massacre At Ballymurphy – as balanced as Long John Silver on a unicycle in a tsunami.
MAUREEN Lipman sparkles as Evelyn on Corrie, but isn’t it odd Fiz and Tyrone don’t remember her as Rovers relief manager Lillian Spencer? (See also Lorraine Stanley on ’Enders; now Karen, once the young Big Mo). ROXANNE Pallett was the first to quit Celebrity Island With Bear Grylls, probably the most unsurprising exit since Boris Johnson’s wife voted Leave.
Roxy had another one of her meltdowns around the campfire.
Tsk. She, Montana Brown and Jo Wood do for women’s lib what Elon Musk’s spliff did for Tesla shares.
Bodyguard does its fictional bit for feminism only to be undermined by “reality” show Dorises dossing about and letting the blokes do all the hard work.
At least Olympians James Cracknell and Anthony Ogogo were game.
Pete the Pirate from TOWIE was great value too, though it’s hard to believe he really thought it was a good idea to leave their water behind – more likely it was a producer’s suggestion to inject artificial drama.
Best booking? Julia Roberts’ self-centred brother Eric, who repeatedly called Martin Kemp “Colin” and “Sam” rather than “that one-note soap actor bloke” like the rest of us.
‘He’s just pulled off Harry Kane’
ATHENA Manoukian, The X Factor. New Iron Fist, Netflix. Maureen Lipman, Corrie. The Mighty Redcar. Killing Eve. Craig Revel Horrid. Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan (AmPrime). Strangers – enjoyable hokum. The Art Of Drumming (SkyArts).