Slow road to Brexit
Batten down the hatches I am braced for Brexit. Hard/soft I have no idea what that means, and I am pretty sure no-one else does either, so I am preparing for the worst.
In true British tradition, I am pulling up the drawbridge, putting on the hard hat and stockpiling the contents of my local supermarket - not the German ones, obviously.
I have my flashlight and Swiss army knife (note the nonEuropean origin of my handy device of choice) along with mountains of English cheddar, Scottish beef and Welsh lamb.
Out with the Dublin Coddle, the Danish bacon, the Italian pasta, the Belgian waffles, Greek moussaka and the Spanish paella and I might have to forsake my favourite French wines in favour of the South American wines and damn to the polluting air miles.
Perhaps it is living in Brixham that does it, because here we have been bemoaning a slow departure from the Union with quayside banners and sloganladen harbour posters for months
And that is to say nothing of the scallop wars those damned Frenchies dragged us into a few months ago…
Nothing makes me grumpier than being told that I voted for something in a referendum and I must live with the consequences – suddenly the will of the people, a phrase hitherto not heard on this island, is now derigeur in the corridors of power. It won’t last. I am British or as the Europeans now call us (as I overheard on a recent visit to France) – “the ones with the bus” - and proud of it, I am also a Yorkshireman (did I mention that before) and I was also happy to be called a European. Not a popular stance round these parts.
I am not writing about this to make a political point, and one thing I will not be putting into my emergency Brexit pack alongside the tinned Fray Bentos pies is a radio or a TV.
I live in an area that voted by an almost two-thirds majority to leave, so it is not a subject I tend to bring up in the pub. Or with my neighbours.
Going back to my roots in Yorkshire doesn’t help – all my family voted out and I remain convinced that many of their friends and neighbours thought they were voting to get rid of Muslims. Should I tell them that Muslims make up less than one per cent of the population of Poland?
We are told by Sky News that the police are ( just in case) training to deal with civil unrest and the Express tells us that the Army is ready to move food supplies around, and Time tells us that French pharmaceutical company Sanofi is stockpiling drugs in Britain in readiness for Brexit
I also learn from the Bank of England, no less, that my credit card and debit card won’t work in Europe post-brexit , but that is OK because I won’t be welcome there anymore.
Same goes for my mobile phone that either will not work or the costs will return to the obscene levels of yesteryear. Which all assumes that our navy blue passports will get us past security in the first place.
Notwithstanding any of the above here is my guide to surviving Brexit ** (and don’t worry, you still have around five months to prepare):
• Refurbish that Second World War bunker in the garden.
• Stock enough food for 14 days. Choose foods which can be eaten cold, which keep fresh, and which are tinned or wellwrapped. • Grow your own veg. • Ensure you have enough fuel to run your emergency generator.
• Assemble your own survival kit – bedding, candles, torches, disinfectant etc. • Lock all doors and windows. • Make the most of the time you have available (from now).
• Drink bottled water (not Evian).
• Book your 2019 holidays in the UK (Devon is your best bet if you want to clog up our roads even more).
• Do not leave your home until you hear the all clear.
Et voila! After 29 March, 2019 use of various words and phrases that we have nicked from the French will be frowned upon so forget carte blanche, avant garde, déjà vu, savoir fair and je ne sais quoi, to name but a few.
And as a dog owner, I am obviously very concerned not so much about the availability of French bulldogs, but Irish setters; that is quite a different problem!
Still, look on the bright side, there is all that money for the NHS…
** Remarkably similar to Government advice issued in the 1960s on how to survive a nuclear war. Contact David at David@ Doyoumeanme.com or follow him on Twitter: @grumpygrockle