I WILL SUR­VIVE!

ROXY BOUR­DIL­LON RE­VEALS HOW TO PAINT THE TOWN RAIN­BOW WITH­OUT LOS­ING YOUR BELONGINGS, FRIENDS OR DIG­NITY

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Don’t pa­rade with­out our Pride sur­vival guide

It’s that time of year when the world seems to shim­mer with glo­ri­ous gay­ness. Or are those sparkles ac­tu­ally beads of sweat, be­cause crikey it’s crowded in here? Ei­ther way, for an all-too­brief mo­ment, het­eronor­ma­tive drudgery is eclipsed by LGBT fab­u­los­ity. Even the de­par­tures board at the train sta­tion says, “Ex­pect gays”. You’d bet­ter dust off your rain­bow flag, your team spirit and your spare liver. And if you’re feel­ing a tad in­tim­i­dated by all the con­fetti can­nons and du­bi­ous fash­ion choices, re­lax chica; your fairy gay­mother is here to help.

1 WHAT TO WEAR

Think flam­boy­ant, think fab­u­lous, think wipeclean fab­rics in case strangers vom on you. Se­ri­ously, take it from some­one who’s been there, bought the Lord Of The Les­bians t-shirt and had a rhine­stoned ran­dom up-chuck all over it. Feel free to get your fancy dress on. Ever wanted to be GI Jane? Ellen De­generes? A uni­corn? Now’s your chance! There’s no such thing as over­dressed at Pride be­cause how­ever fierce you feel, you will al­ways be up­staged two min­utes later by a drag queen on stilts. If you bring a pet, dress them up too. Noth­ing says Pride like a pug in fairy wings.

2 PACK­ING LIST

Whis­tles, ka­zoos, clax­ons (honk when­ever you’re happy, horny, proud or needy for at­ten­tion), sun­screen (the morn­ing af­ter’s go­ing to be pain­ful enough with­out a twat-tan), fully-charged mo­bile with power bank (for god­dess’ sake, if you’re a drunk di­aller delete your ex’s num­ber in ad­vance), spare cash (for Pride emer­gen­cies, like when you des­per­ately need to buy a gor­geous woman a cock­tail), spare loo roll and hand sani­tiser (for the other kind of Pride emer­gency, when you’re the gazil­lionth per­son at the Por­taloo), a game plan (this will inevitably go com­pletely out of the win­dow but it will also give you a com­fort­ing, al­beit false, sense of se­cu­rity). Now that’s a con­sid­er­able amount of swag to fit in your back pocket. Al­ter­na­tive stor­age op­tions in­clude a Mr Mo­ti­va­tor style fanny pack (yes, I know that’s an Amer­i­can word, but it’s also a trol­ley-load of fun to say #Fan­nypride) or a sen­si­ble friend with a kind heart and roomy ruck­sack you can take ad­van­tage of. Per­son­ally, I just stuff every­thing down my bra – house keys, emer­gency Hob­nobs, a spare out­fit for the morn­ing af­ter. It’s like Mary Pop­pins’ hand­bag down there.

3 CHAT-UP LINES

If you’re sin­gle and have ever moaned about the lack of places to meet women, Pride is your friend, far more so than your so-called mate who just ditched you to make out with a part-time Youtu­ber be­hind the Girl Guides float. At Pride you’ll dis­cover an al­ter­nate uni­verse where ev­ery­one is as queer and as happy as a lezza in a Su­perdry sale. Peo­ple are just more open, prob­a­bly high from the fumes of all that glit­ter glue. So here are a few lines you can try out on the hot­tie by the women’s stage.

“Happy Pride!” Best keep it sim­ple if you’re al­ready slur­ring. “I love your out­fit. Can I take a selfie with you?” What’s nor­mally creepy is some­how to­tally ac­cept­able at a pa­rade. “Do you want to be the Piper to my Vause?” Or just take a cue from Suzanne and tell her she has nice tit­ties. If the thought of ac­tu­ally ap­proach­ing a woman turns you into a stut­ter­ing Stacey, write any one of these lines on your plac­ard, t-shirt or face. Pride is no place for subtlety and the perfect place to say it with a sign.

4 HOW NOT TO LOSE TRACK OF YOUR FRIENDS

In the weeks be­fore Pride, strate­gi­cally be­friend tall peo­ple who you can eas­ily spot in a crowd. Time to hit up your lo­cal drag bar. Pick a dis­tinc­tive ren­dezvous point – “I’ll see you by the gi­ant in­flat­able dildo!” If you do lose your crew, make like Dory and use your sap­phic su­per­pow­ers to whale-call them, “Iyyym looooooooorst!”

5 PEO­PLE YOU WILL EN­COUNTER

THE WASTED GIRL. Be kind to the wasted girl. We have all been the wasted girl. But don’t get too close or she’ll puke on your shoes. THE PRO­TEST­ERS CHEERILY TELLING YOU TO BURN IN HELL. Just pa­rade on by and don’t let them rain on your rain­bow. Or, if you want to re­ally rile them up with your hor­ri­fy­ingly ten­der feel­ings, pause for a cheeky protest snog. YOUR CRUSH. This is ex­actly who you hope to bump into, just not when you’re in the mid­dle of an al­co­hol black­out. Do your best to be charm­ing and you might just end up gy­rat­ing the night away on a girl bar dance­floor. YOUR EX. Brace your­self. This is go­ing to be as pain­ful as that time you tried to home wax your bikini line. But at least there’s a ready-made throng of peo­ple you can hide be­hind and get drunk with af­ter­wards. Speak­ing of which…

6 HOW TO GET MERRY WITH­OUT GET­TING PLASTERED

Three words: pace your­self, booze­hound. This is a muff-lov­ing marathon not a sloppy sap­phic sprint. Re­mem­ber, you’ll feel any­thing but proud if you’re com­pletely off your tits be­fore the dykes on bikes ride by with bondage tape on theirs. Eat some­thing. Stay hy­drated. And that means h2o, not an­other round of Slip­pery Nip­ples. If you’re a tee­to­taller, con­grats. You’re about to dis­cover what ut­ter buf­foons drunk peo­ple are.

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