I WILL SURVIVE!
ROXY BOURDILLON REVEALS HOW TO PAINT THE TOWN RAINBOW WITHOUT LOSING YOUR BELONGINGS, FRIENDS OR DIGNITY
Don’t parade without our Pride survival guide
It’s that time of year when the world seems to shimmer with glorious gayness. Or are those sparkles actually beads of sweat, because crikey it’s crowded in here? Either way, for an all-toobrief moment, heteronormative drudgery is eclipsed by LGBT fabulosity. Even the departures board at the train station says, “Expect gays”. You’d better dust off your rainbow flag, your team spirit and your spare liver. And if you’re feeling a tad intimidated by all the confetti cannons and dubious fashion choices, relax chica; your fairy gaymother is here to help.
1 WHAT TO WEAR
Think flamboyant, think fabulous, think wipeclean fabrics in case strangers vom on you. Seriously, take it from someone who’s been there, bought the Lord Of The Lesbians t-shirt and had a rhinestoned random up-chuck all over it. Feel free to get your fancy dress on. Ever wanted to be GI Jane? Ellen Degeneres? A unicorn? Now’s your chance! There’s no such thing as overdressed at Pride because however fierce you feel, you will always be upstaged two minutes later by a drag queen on stilts. If you bring a pet, dress them up too. Nothing says Pride like a pug in fairy wings.
2 PACKING LIST
Whistles, kazoos, claxons (honk whenever you’re happy, horny, proud or needy for attention), sunscreen (the morning after’s going to be painful enough without a twat-tan), fully-charged mobile with power bank (for goddess’ sake, if you’re a drunk dialler delete your ex’s number in advance), spare cash (for Pride emergencies, like when you desperately need to buy a gorgeous woman a cocktail), spare loo roll and hand sanitiser (for the other kind of Pride emergency, when you’re the gazillionth person at the Portaloo), a game plan (this will inevitably go completely out of the window but it will also give you a comforting, albeit false, sense of security). Now that’s a considerable amount of swag to fit in your back pocket. Alternative storage options include a Mr Motivator style fanny pack (yes, I know that’s an American word, but it’s also a trolley-load of fun to say #Fannypride) or a sensible friend with a kind heart and roomy rucksack you can take advantage of. Personally, I just stuff everything down my bra – house keys, emergency Hobnobs, a spare outfit for the morning after. It’s like Mary Poppins’ handbag down there.
3 CHAT-UP LINES
If you’re single and have ever moaned about the lack of places to meet women, Pride is your friend, far more so than your so-called mate who just ditched you to make out with a part-time Youtuber behind the Girl Guides float. At Pride you’ll discover an alternate universe where everyone is as queer and as happy as a lezza in a Superdry sale. People are just more open, probably high from the fumes of all that glitter glue. So here are a few lines you can try out on the hottie by the women’s stage.
“Happy Pride!” Best keep it simple if you’re already slurring. “I love your outfit. Can I take a selfie with you?” What’s normally creepy is somehow totally acceptable at a parade. “Do you want to be the Piper to my Vause?” Or just take a cue from Suzanne and tell her she has nice titties. If the thought of actually approaching a woman turns you into a stuttering Stacey, write any one of these lines on your placard, t-shirt or face. Pride is no place for subtlety and the perfect place to say it with a sign.
4 HOW NOT TO LOSE TRACK OF YOUR FRIENDS
In the weeks before Pride, strategically befriend tall people who you can easily spot in a crowd. Time to hit up your local drag bar. Pick a distinctive rendezvous point – “I’ll see you by the giant inflatable dildo!” If you do lose your crew, make like Dory and use your sapphic superpowers to whale-call them, “Iyyym looooooooorst!”
5 PEOPLE YOU WILL ENCOUNTER
THE WASTED GIRL. Be kind to the wasted girl. We have all been the wasted girl. But don’t get too close or she’ll puke on your shoes. THE PROTESTERS CHEERILY TELLING YOU TO BURN IN HELL. Just parade on by and don’t let them rain on your rainbow. Or, if you want to really rile them up with your horrifyingly tender feelings, pause for a cheeky protest snog. YOUR CRUSH. This is exactly who you hope to bump into, just not when you’re in the middle of an alcohol blackout. Do your best to be charming and you might just end up gyrating the night away on a girl bar dancefloor. YOUR EX. Brace yourself. This is going to be as painful as that time you tried to home wax your bikini line. But at least there’s a ready-made throng of people you can hide behind and get drunk with afterwards. Speaking of which…
6 HOW TO GET MERRY WITHOUT GETTING PLASTERED
Three words: pace yourself, boozehound. This is a muff-loving marathon not a sloppy sapphic sprint. Remember, you’ll feel anything but proud if you’re completely off your tits before the dykes on bikes ride by with bondage tape on theirs. Eat something. Stay hydrated. And that means h2o, not another round of Slippery Nipples. If you’re a teetotaller, congrats. You’re about to discover what utter buffoons drunk people are.