For the record, Vic­to­ria Beck­ham taught

me, beauty di­rec­tor and there­fore ex­pert, some­thing new about make-up,

purely by col­lab­o­rat­ing with Estée Lauder and creat­ing my most favourite thing: Mod­ern Mer­cury. The wet-look bronzer-high­lighter-hy­brid that changed my face for the bet­ter for­ever (un­til it sells out or runs out and I go back to be­ing un­sculpted and a bit paler) is BACK! This news re­quires CAP­I­TALS to em­pha­sise its GREAT­NESS. This in­car­na­tion is in a tweaked leather case – so col­lectible, so chic – and is joined by an epic mas­cara with a wand so tiny it seems kind of in­con­se­quen­tial. Un­til you use it, and see each and ev­ery lash get a not-in­signif­i­cant growth spurt. And while I’m on the sub­ject, the new nude lip­stick, aptly called Vic­to­ria, is richer and cooler than be­fore, in the tonal and cul­tural sense. I’m bulk or­der­ing to save

my­self the sell-out heartache.

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