MICHAEL SHEEN How will he fare in Udderworld?
Warning: contains the phrases “arse crack” and “ball sack”, who are not new Transformers.
Do you have a signature dish?
Well, I won [Star Baker on] The Great Comic
Relief Bake Off with my lemon pavlova, but I refuse to ever make it again. It was a miracle that happened, so I don’t want to try to repeat it.
When were you most starstruck?
I was in a restaurant with Arthur Miller once. A formative moment for me was watching The
Crucible when I was about 13, but he did also have sex with Marilyn Monroe, and shamefully that did sweep through my mind. Also, I once walked around Pinewood Studios with Barbara Windsor, and I remember her saying, “This is where we shot the bit where my bikini came flying off in Carry On Camping.” That was possibly the moment I got the biggest chills.
Who did you play in your first school play?
Farmer Munchkin in The Wizard Of Oz. I only had one word: “ZOOOOOOOM.” I gave it gusto! I think I marked myself out as a potential star.
What would you call your autobiography?
I’m always saying, “Oh, that’ll be the name of my autobiography,” when I hear a really funny line. Maybe I’d call it, ‘That’ll Be The Name Of My Autobiography’.
What is the strangest interaction you’ve ever had with a fan?
There was a lady who came to hundreds of performances of a play I did. [At] the stage door, she’d say, “Hello, Michael,” and I’d say, “Hello.” Because of its unstrangeness, that was very strange.
What is the most unusual place you have ever thrown up?
When I first came to LA, I’d have meetings with people who run studio casting departments. [In one of them] I started to feel really rough. I was being asked a question and I said, “I’m terribly sorry, but I think I’m about to be sick.” I started throwing up as I was walking out of her office, and I threw up all over the walls of the waiting room. She never gave me a part, but she remembered me.
How much is a pint of milk?
Well, I buy it in half-gallons over here, so that’s just under $2 depending on where you get it. In Britain it’s just under 50p I think, isn’t it?
Have you ever knowingly broken the law?
Me and a friend thought it would be interesting to see if we could get from one end of the street to the other, just on people’s roofs. At night. We managed, until a police car turned up. So we jumped off someone’s roof into what turned out to be a muddy bog. Then we had the slowest chase in the universe as we waded through this bog.
What is your earliest memory?
I’m walking down a corridor towards this door. I open the door and a voice from downstairs says, “Michael, what are you doing?” I realise I’m doing something naughty and I close the door again. On the other side of the door my new baby sister is sleeping, and I think I’m going in there to kill her. I think! We’ll never know because my mother’s voice stopped me. Maybe that’s the title of my autobiography: ‘Michael, What Are You Doing?’
On a scale of one to ten, how hairy is your arse?
I’m going to get some help with this. [Shouts] Sarah! [Silverman, Sheen’s girlfriend] On a scale of one to ten, how hairy is my arse? [Pause] It’s immaculate, she says. I wouldn’t trust anything she says. Sarah once told me she liked the smell of my armpit, so for her birthday I put bits of cotton under my armpit, my arse crack and my ball sack all day, then I put each one into a little test tube, in a presentation box. She says she didn’t need arse crack, but that was a little freebie. PASSENGERS IS IN CINEMAS NOW