YOU & HIM

Sex life slug­gish? Don’t worry about it!

Essentials - - Contents -

1 OUR TO-DO LIST IS TOO LONG

SEX? SE­RI­OUSLY? BE­TWEEN THE SCHOOL RUNS, WORK, CLEAN­ING, COOK­ING, LAUN­DRY, FER­RY­ING KIDS TO THEIR VAR­I­OUS PLAY­DATES AND CLUBS, WALK­ING THE DOG, SEE­ING THE IN-LAWS, IRON­ING HIS SHIRTS… WE HAVE ENOUGH ON OUR PLATES. WE’RE LUCKY IF WE GET THE CHANCE TO SIT DOWN AND, IF WE DO, THE LAST THING ON OUR MINDS IS SE­DUC­TION. THAT WOULD RE­QUIRE EN­ERGY WE DON’T HAVE LEFT. SADLY, WE’RE TOO BUSY TO ‘GET BUSY’.

HE DOESN’T WANT TO

DE­SPITE YOU BE­ING PRETTY MUCH PER­FECT, YOUR OTHER HALF HAS BEEN UN­IN­TER­ESTED LATELY. THERE WAS A TIME HE’D JUMP YOU THE MINUTE YOU GOT HOME, BUT THE LAST TIME HE LOOKED LUSTFULLY AT YOU WHEN YOU WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR, YOU WERE CLUTCH­ING A DOMINOS PIZZA BOX. MAYBE YOU COULD MAKE HIM PER­FORM IN EX­CHANGE FOR A SLICE OF HOT ’N SPICY…

3 WE’RE ON FACE­BOOK

THEY CALL IT SO­CIAL ME­DIA, BUT THERE’S NOTH­ING ‘SO­CIAL’ ABOUT BE­ING GLUED TO THE IN­TER­NET 24:7 AND THERE’S CER­TAINLY NOTH­ING SEX­UAL ABOUT IT. IN FACT, THE LAST TIME YOUR OTHER HALF MADE AD­VANCES WHEN YOU WERE CHECK­ING YOUR NEWSFEED, YOU ‘AC­CI­DEN­TALLY’ WHACKED HIM WITH YOUR IPHONE. TO BE FAIR, YOU WERE IN THE MID­DLE OF WATCH­ING A VIDEO OF A BABY BEAR AND IT WAS A PRE­CIOUS MO­MENT.

4 WE’RE WATCH­ING NET­FLIX IN BED

OUR IPADS HAVE ALL OF A SUD­DEN BE­COME LIKE THE THIRD PARTY IN OUR RE­LA­TION­SHIPS – IT WAS A THREESOME THAT BE­GAN IN­NO­CENTLY, BUT NOW WE’RE NOT HAV­ING SEX, WE’RE NOT SLEEP­ING AND WE’VE BEEN FIGHT­ING A WHOLE LOT MORE… WE JUST CAN’T FOR­GIVE HIM FOR WATCH­ING SEA­SON 1 OF Stranger Things WITH­OUT US.

WE NEVER GET ANY ALONE TIME

THE THING ABOUT HAV­ING KIDS IS THEY’RE AL­WAYS THERE. YOU THINK THE COAST’S CLEAR, THEN THEY’LL AP­PEAR. ‘I CAN’T SLEEP, MUM’, ‘SHE HIT ME, MUM,’ ‘I CAN’T FIND MY SCHOOL BAG, MUM,’ ‘PEEKACHU’S IN YOUR ROOM, MUM!’, ‘WHY ARE YOU STILL IN BED, MUM?’, ‘WHAT IS DAD DO­ING UN­DER THE COV­ERS, MUM?’, ‘WHAT WAS THAT GROANING NOISE, MUM?’. SOME­TIMES BOARD­ING SCHOOL SOUNDS VERY AP­PEAL­ING.

WE HAVEN’T WAXED

DO WOMEN RE­ALLY STILL DO THIS? WOMEN WITH KIDS AND HUS­BANDS AND JOBS? BE­CAUSE IT DOESN’T MAT­TER HOW MANY TIMES WE HEAR PEO­PLE TALK­ING ABOUT IT ON TOWIE, THE CLOS­EST WE’VE BEEN TO A BRAZIL­IAN LATELY IS WATCH­ING THE RIO OLYMPICS. COME TO THINK OF IT, THOSE FE­MALE DIVERS MUST HAVE A RIG­OR­OUS WAX­ING REGIME. NOT A SPI­DER’S LEG IN SIGHT. BRAVO, LADIES!

WE’D RATHER HAVE A BATH

WE’VE HAD A LONG DAY, OUR MUS­CLES ACHE, WE WANT TO LIE BACK, SWITCH OFF AND EN­JOY SOME PEACE AND QUIET. AND NO, WE RE­ALLY DON’T WANT COM­PANY. THERE SEEMS TO BE A PRE­VAIL­ING MYTH THAT BATHS ARE SOME­HOW SEXY, BUT AF­TER THAT ONE TIME YOU AT­TEMPTED TO SQUEEZE INTO THE TUB TO­GETHER – FLOODING THE FLOOR AND GET­TING A TOE IN A VERY UN­FOR­TU­NATE PLACE – YOU’VE NEVER DONE THE COU­PLE’S BATHING THING AGAIN.

8 HE WANTS IT ALL THE TIME

WHEN YOUR PART­NER’S SEX MAD, IT CAN BE A DOU­BLE-EDGED SWORD. IF YOU’RE UP FOR IT, TOO, GREAT. BUT IF YOU’RE NOT, HIS PLEAS CAN BE A REAL TURN-OFF. SORRY BOYS, BUT PRES­SURE IS JUST NOT SEXY. GIVE US THE SPACE TO WANT YOU AGAIN – RATHER THAN WANT­ING YOU TO GET YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF! 9 WE FEEL FAT IT DOESN’T MAT­TER HOW MANY TIMES HE SAYS HE LOVES OUR WOB­BLY BITS, WE HATE THEM. THERE’S NOTH­ING WORSE THAN GET­TING DOWN TO IT AND BE­ING DIS­TRACTED BY SOME­THING JIG­GLING THAT NEVER USED TO JIG­GLE. IT THROWS US OFF OUR GAME, MAKES US FEEL UN­SEXY AND DRIVES US STRAIGHT BACK INTO OUR COMFY PJS ALONG WITH A TUB OF BEN & JERRY’S. HEY, WHAT’S A FEW MORE POUNDS?

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