Rib- Tick­lers

Jokes, puns and funny sto­ries!

Evergreen - - Contents -

What is the dif­fer­ence be­tween a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

Bill’s sec­ond wed­ding an­niver­sary was com­ing up and if there was one thing that got his wife Anne up­set it was not get­ting a thought­ful gift on a spe­cial oc­ca­sion.

Bill quizzed all his friends and col­leagues as to what they thought would be a good an­niver­sary present. He fi­nally set­tled on a huge bou­quet of flow­ers.

Not will­ing to trust him­self to pick out the right flow­ers, Bill tele­phoned a lo­cal florist’s with strict in­struc­tions to de­liver the big­gest, most beau­ti­ful bou­quet first thing in the morn­ing with the fol­low­ing note: “Happy An­niver­sary Year Num­ber Two!”

On the morn­ing of the an­niver­sary Bill made sure that Anne was the one to an­swer the door as he waited anx­iously in the other room.

“What’s this all about?” shouted Anne an­grily, hold­ing up his well- thought- out note: “Happy An­niver­sary You’re Num­ber Two!”

I’m on a seafood diet. Ev­ery time I see food, I eat it.

It was the day of a baby mos­quito’s first solo flight from home. When the mos­quito came back later that day, the fa­ther mos­quito asked, “How was your jour­ney?” The baby mos­quito replied, “It went great. Ev­ery­one was clap­ping for me!”

What do sea mon­sters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

Af­ter an ar­gu­ment, a man and his wife were not speak­ing to one an­other.

Sud­denly, the man re­alised that the next morn­ing he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early morn­ing busi­ness flight.

Not want­ing to be the first to break the si­lence ( and lose), he wrote on a piece of pa­per, “Please wake me at 5am.” He left the note where he knew she would find it.

The next morn­ing, the man woke up only to dis­cover that it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Fu­ri­ous, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wak­ened him, when he no­ticed a piece of pa­per by the bed. The mes­sage on it read: “It is 5am. Wake up.”

What do you call a magic dog? A Labra­cadabrador.

A po­lice­man pulled over a car and found a young cou­ple in the front seat. “Where’s your seat­belt young man?” asked the po­lice­man.

“Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car”, replied the man.

“No you didn’t!” ex­claimed his wife, “you never wear your seat­belt!”

A lit­tle taken aback, the po­lice­man asked to see his driv­ing li­cence.

“Oh heck!” cried the man, “I must have left it at home!”

“Yes, right!” screamed his wife. “You know it has so many points on it that you’re dis­qual­i­fied from driv­ing!”

At a loss for words, the po­lice­man asked the woman: “Are you al­ways so hard on him?”

“No” replied the young woman, “only when he’s had too much to drink.”

A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

John was walking home from a Hal­loween party late at night when he heard a noise be­hind him: “Thump! Thump! Thump!”

When he turned round he saw to his hor­ror that a cof­fin was fol­low­ing him. He im­me­di­ately started walking more quickly but the noise con­tin­ued: “Thump! Thump! Thump!”

He be­gan to run, but the cof­fin started run­ning too.

Filled with ter­ror, John was soon run­ning faster than he had ever run in his life, but he was un­able to shake off his pur­suer.

Reach­ing home, in des­per­a­tion he dashed into his house and tried to slam the door be­hind him, but the cof­fin was too quick and started fol­low­ing him up the stairs: “Thump! Thump! Thump!”

John ran into the bath­room and grabbed the first thing he saw, cough drops, and threw them at the cof­fin.

Of course the cof­fin stopped.

What has four wheels and flies? A dust­bin lorry.

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