Jokes, puns and funny stories!
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Bill’s second wedding anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Anne upset it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion.
Bill quizzed all his friends and colleagues as to what they thought would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers.
Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill telephoned a local florist’s with strict instructions to deliver the biggest, most beautiful bouquet first thing in the morning with the following note: “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!”
On the morning of the anniversary Bill made sure that Anne was the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room.
“What’s this all about?” shouted Anne angrily, holding up his well- thought- out note: “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”
I’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
It was the day of a baby mosquito’s first solo flight from home. When the mosquito came back later that day, the father mosquito asked, “How was your journey?” The baby mosquito replied, “It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!”
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
After an argument, a man and his wife were not speaking to one another.
Suddenly, the man realised that the next morning he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence ( and lose), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5am.” He left the note where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up only to discover that it was 9am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The message on it read: “It is 5am. Wake up.”
What do you call a magic dog? A Labracadabrador.
A policeman pulled over a car and found a young couple in the front seat. “Where’s your seatbelt young man?” asked the policeman.
“Oh, I just took if off now when you were walking up to the car”, replied the man.
“No you didn’t!” exclaimed his wife, “you never wear your seatbelt!”
A little taken aback, the policeman asked to see his driving licence.
“Oh heck!” cried the man, “I must have left it at home!”
“Yes, right!” screamed his wife. “You know it has so many points on it that you’re disqualified from driving!”
At a loss for words, the policeman asked the woman: “Are you always so hard on him?”
“No” replied the young woman, “only when he’s had too much to drink.”
A book just fell on my head. I’ve only got myshelf to blame.
John was walking home from a Halloween party late at night when he heard a noise behind him: “Thump! Thump! Thump!”
When he turned round he saw to his horror that a coffin was following him. He immediately started walking more quickly but the noise continued: “Thump! Thump! Thump!”
He began to run, but the coffin started running too.
Filled with terror, John was soon running faster than he had ever run in his life, but he was unable to shake off his pursuer.
Reaching home, in desperation he dashed into his house and tried to slam the door behind him, but the coffin was too quick and started following him up the stairs: “Thump! Thump! Thump!”
John ran into the bathroom and grabbed the first thing he saw, cough drops, and threw them at the coffin.
Of course the coffin stopped.
What has four wheels and flies? A dustbin lorry.