Rib- Tick­lers

Jokes, puns and funny sto­ries!

Evergreen - - Contents -

How is im­i­ta­tion like a plateau? They are both the high­est form of flat­tery.

How does a train eat? It goes chew chew.

A cou­ple of tourists were din­ing at a restau­rant in Paris. After wait­ing for an hour, the hus­band fi­nally was able to catch the waiter’s eye.

“I want a bot­tle of your best wine,” he or­dered.

“What year?” asked the waiter.

“Right now!” bel­lowed the tourist.

I went bob­sleigh­ing the other day and killed 200 bobs.

What do you get if you cross a kan­ga­roo and an ele­phant?

Big holes all over Aus­tralia! Knock Knock. Who’s There? Dishes. Dishes Who? Dishes Sean Con­nery.

Six- year- old Angie and her fouryearold brother John were sit­ting to­gether dur­ing a church ser­vice. John couldn’t keep quiet but kept fid­get­ing, gig­gling and talk­ing out loud. Fi­nally, his big sis­ter had had enough. “You’re not sup­posed to talk out loud in church,” she whis­pered.

“Why? Who’s go­ing to stop me?” asked John.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men stand­ing by the door? They’re hush­ers.”

What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.

What’s orange and sounds like a par­rot?

A car­rot.

A hitch- hiker was grate­ful to be given a lift by a man driv­ing a Jaguar, but his grat­i­tude quickly turned to hor­ror when the driver went straight through a “Stop” sign with­out look­ing left or right.

“Hey, that was a ‘ Stop’ sign,” said the shocked pas­sen­ger.

“I know,” said the driver, “I drive like my brother!”

A few miles fur­ther on, he sped through a red traf­fic light.

Once again the hitch­hiker was hor­ri­fied: “You just ig­nored a red light!” “I drive like my brother!” replied the man be­hind the wheel.

Fi­nally, as they ap­proached a green light, the driver slowed down.

“It’s green,” said the con­fused hitch- hiker, “why are you slow­ing down?”

“My brother might be com­ing,” replied the driver.

Peo­ple in Dubai don’t like the Flint­stones.

But peo­ple in Abu Dhabi do!

Why do dogs al­ways race to the door when the door­bell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Would you mind if I crossed your field in­stead of go­ing around it? You see, I have to catch the 4.23 train.”

The farmer says, “Of course, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4.11 one.”

Jane was anx­iously wait­ing for her daugh­ter Su­san’s plane to land. Su­san had just come back from an ad­ven­ture- seek­ing gap year abroad.

As Su­san was leav­ing the plane, Janet no­ticed a man di­rectly be­hind her daugh­ter dressed in feath­ers with ex­otic mark­ings all over his body and car­ry­ing a shrunken head. Su­san in­tro­duced him as her new hus­band.

Jane gasped in dis­be­lief and screamed: “I said you should marry a rich doc­tor!”

A man walks into a bar and or­ders a drink. Then he no­tices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceil­ing so he asks the bar­man what they are for. The bar­man replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £ 100. Do you want to have a go?”

The man thinks about it for a minute be­fore say­ing, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from UK

© PressReader. All rights reserved.