Jokes, puns and funny stories!
How is imitation like a plateau? They are both the highest form of flattery.
How does a train eat? It goes chew chew.
A couple of tourists were dining at a restaurant in Paris. After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter’s eye.
“I want a bottle of your best wine,” he ordered.
“What year?” asked the waiter.
“Right now!” bellowed the tourist.
I went bobsleighing the other day and killed 200 bobs.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and an elephant?
Big holes all over Australia! Knock Knock. Who’s There? Dishes. Dishes Who? Dishes Sean Connery.
Six- year- old Angie and her fouryearold brother John were sitting together during a church service. John couldn’t keep quiet but kept fidgeting, giggling and talking out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church,” she whispered.
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” asked John.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”
What did the light bulb say to its mother?
I wuv you watts and watts.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A hitch- hiker was grateful to be given a lift by a man driving a Jaguar, but his gratitude quickly turned to horror when the driver went straight through a “Stop” sign without looking left or right.
“Hey, that was a ‘ Stop’ sign,” said the shocked passenger.
“I know,” said the driver, “I drive like my brother!”
A few miles further on, he sped through a red traffic light.
Once again the hitchhiker was horrified: “You just ignored a red light!” “I drive like my brother!” replied the man behind the wheel.
Finally, as they approached a green light, the driver slowed down.
“It’s green,” said the confused hitch- hiker, “why are you slowing down?”
“My brother might be coming,” replied the driver.
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do!
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
A man asks a farmer near a field, “Would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4.23 train.”
The farmer says, “Of course, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4.11 one.”
Jane was anxiously waiting for her daughter Susan’s plane to land. Susan had just come back from an adventure- seeking gap year abroad.
As Susan was leaving the plane, Janet noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. Susan introduced him as her new husband.
Jane gasped in disbelief and screamed: “I said you should marry a rich doctor!”
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £ 100. Do you want to have a go?”
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “No, the steaks are too high.”