ASK A SIL L Y QUEST IO N

FourFourTwo - - UPFRONT -

spot for Lulu, of course The mad­cap ex-striker and pun­dit is an an­gry golfer – but with a soft

Hi Ian. Lee Dixon once told us that while the two of you were play­ing golf, you hit a shot so bad that you shouted “I need to self-harm!” and drove your buggy into a tree. How do you feel about this episode now? Ha! I can’t be­lieve he’s brought that story to the world. I was hav­ing a bad time out there: I’d been play­ing well, then I started shank­ing it ev­ery­where. Lee was snig­ger­ing. I went for the tree, but just be­fore I hit it, I changed my mind about self­harm­ing and jumped out. Lee took the brunt of it, and I€nearly nearly de­cap­i­tated the man. He wouldn’t speak to me for ages. I had to beg: “Please talk to me again.” Nasty. When did you last feel so en­raged that you drove into a tree? Never. Only golf can get me to that level of anger. It’s when you sud­denly go from play­ing well to be­ing some­one who hasn’t had a thou­sand lessons. Poor Lee was just the un­for­tu­nate guy who hap­pened to be in the buggy. Who is the an­gri­est foot­baller you’ve ever met? There was a guy at Mill­wall, Keith Stevens, who was al­ways snarling. And Den­nis Wise al­ways had a terse, fu­ri­ous face. I was all right with Den­nis – we got on well – but he had a real… grrr. Fair enough. Now, Ian, you share a birth­day with Lulu. What would you do if you re­turned home one night and found her all drunk and lairy on your front lawn? I love Lulu! She’s a na­tional trea­sure. If there’s any­one you’re go­ing to al­low to be ag­gres­sive on your lawn, it’s Lulu. I’d beckon her in­side and get her sobered up. We could have a bit of a sing­song. We third of Novem­be­ri­ans need to stick to­gether. We’re Scor­pios – spe­cial peo­ple, the best. Charles Bron­son and Adam Ant were also born on the same day as me, you know. We do now. In Novem­ber you were on Match of thehe the Day wear­ing a pair of glasses that seemed to only have one ‘ear arm’. How did this hap­pen? I’d sat on them! I meant to take them off – on screen – but I for­got. I got ham­mered on­line about it. Peo­ple seem to think glasses are hi­lar­i­ous gen­er­ally, don’t they? Ev­ery­one seems to think they’re the first per­son to call me Howard off the Hal­i­fax ad­vert. But I’ve just picked up a new pair from the op­ti­cian op­ti­cian, and the arms are bendable. They should be able to take some pun­ish­ment. Have you e ever con­sid­ered a pair of ‘rim­less Wengers’? I’ll have a go at those some­where along the line line, but they’re maybe for the older guy. Do you of­ten bun­gle? Have you ever fallen down a man­hole? I wouldn’t call my­self a bun­gler bun­gler, but I do sit on my glasses a lot, and I I€lose lose car keys and en­try passes. I’m all over the place like that. Do you think it it’s pos­si­ble that sci­en­tists will one day in­vent com­pletely arm-free glasses? Of course! That’ll be fan­tas­tic – glasses just bal­anc­ing. But I’m more keen for them to de­vise some kind of al­ter­na­tive to laser eye treat­ment. I’m not hav­ing any­one blast­ing lasers at me. I quite like glasses, though, so I’ll stick with them for now. Sorted. In a bat­tle of the badges, do you think the Crys­tal Palace ea­gle could out­ma­noeu­vre ar­tillery fire from the Arse­nal cannon? Hmm. It’s all about the weight of the cannon and the can­non­balls. It’s pretty heavy to con­tin­u­ously load, and I think within that time the ea­gle could swoop down and take out the gun­ner’s eye­balls with its talons. Let’s give Palace the win. Log­i­cal. Fi­nally, you’re an ex­cel­lent flat-cap wearer, but if you had to wear ei­ther an Easter bon­net, a com­edy som­brero or a Petr Cech-style hel­met for an en­tire month, which would you go for? I love a Lock & Co. Baker Boy flat cap, with proper round­ness and body. I like most hats, ac­tu­ally. I’ve got a head for hats, so I’ll go with a som­brero, baby! I could wear one of those for a month, no prob­lem. Good choice. Cheers for chat­ting!

Ian Wright has teamed up with Cur­rys PC World to pro­mote its stun­ning 4K TV range, which foot­ball fans can en­joy with BT Ul­tra HD. Visit cur­rys.co.uk

Lee “In­ear­ly­de­cap­i­tated Dixon. He wouldn’t speak

to­beg” tome­for­ages.ihad

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