ASK A SIL L Y QUEST IO N
spot for Lulu, of course The madcap ex-striker and pundit is an angry golfer – but with a soft
Hi Ian. Lee Dixon once told us that while the two of you were playing golf, you hit a shot so bad that you shouted “I need to self-harm!” and drove your buggy into a tree. How do you feel about this episode now? Ha! I can’t believe he’s brought that story to the world. I was having a bad time out there: I’d been playing well, then I started shanking it everywhere. Lee was sniggering. I went for the tree, but just before I hit it, I changed my mind about selfharming and jumped out. Lee took the brunt of it, and Inearly nearly decapitated the man. He wouldn’t speak to me for ages. I had to beg: “Please talk to me again.” Nasty. When did you last feel so enraged that you drove into a tree? Never. Only golf can get me to that level of anger. It’s when you suddenly go from playing well to being someone who hasn’t had a thousand lessons. Poor Lee was just the unfortunate guy who happened to be in the buggy. Who is the angriest footballer you’ve ever met? There was a guy at Millwall, Keith Stevens, who was always snarling. And Dennis Wise always had a terse, furious face. I was all right with Dennis – we got on well – but he had a real… grrr. Fair enough. Now, Ian, you share a birthday with Lulu. What would you do if you returned home one night and found her all drunk and lairy on your front lawn? I love Lulu! She’s a national treasure. If there’s anyone you’re going to allow to be aggressive on your lawn, it’s Lulu. I’d beckon her inside and get her sobered up. We could have a bit of a singsong. We third of Novemberians need to stick together. We’re Scorpios – special people, the best. Charles Bronson and Adam Ant were also born on the same day as me, you know. We do now. In November you were on Match of thehe the Day wearing a pair of glasses that seemed to only have one ‘ear arm’. How did this happen? I’d sat on them! I meant to take them off – on screen – but I forgot. I got hammered online about it. People seem to think glasses are hilarious generally, don’t they? Everyone seems to think they’re the first person to call me Howard off the Halifax advert. But I’ve just picked up a new pair from the optician optician, and the arms are bendable. They should be able to take some punishment. Have you e ever considered a pair of ‘rimless Wengers’? I’ll have a go at those somewhere along the line line, but they’re maybe for the older guy. Do you often bungle? Have you ever fallen down a manhole? I wouldn’t call myself a bungler bungler, but I do sit on my glasses a lot, and I Ilose lose car keys and entry passes. I’m all over the place like that. Do you think it it’s possible that scientists will one day invent completely arm-free glasses? Of course! That’ll be fantastic – glasses just balancing. But I’m more keen for them to devise some kind of alternative to laser eye treatment. I’m not having anyone blasting lasers at me. I quite like glasses, though, so I’ll stick with them for now. Sorted. In a battle of the badges, do you think the Crystal Palace eagle could outmanoeuvre artillery fire from the Arsenal cannon? Hmm. It’s all about the weight of the cannon and the cannonballs. It’s pretty heavy to continuously load, and I think within that time the eagle could swoop down and take out the gunner’s eyeballs with its talons. Let’s give Palace the win. Logical. Finally, you’re an excellent flat-cap wearer, but if you had to wear either an Easter bonnet, a comedy sombrero or a Petr Cech-style helmet for an entire month, which would you go for? I love a Lock & Co. Baker Boy flat cap, with proper roundness and body. I like most hats, actually. I’ve got a head for hats, so I’ll go with a sombrero, baby! I could wear one of those for a month, no problem. Good choice. Cheers for chatting!
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Lee “Inearlydecapitated Dixon. He wouldn’t speak