Around the world in 12 stories

Nostradamus’ Romanian stadium predictions, Bart Simpson at the Bernabeu and Manu Petit’s cow curse – it’s the end of the season and things have got weird

1 TEMPER, TEMPER Argentina La Plata

We’ve seen players rip off their shirt in anger, but never a manager. Ex-arsenal defender – and recent FFT interviewee – Nelson Vivas, however, is known for the odd temper tantrum. He resigned from his first managerial role with Quilmes after punching a supporter.

This time Vivas’ ire was at a referee. Upon being sent up to the stands, the Estudiantes boss ripped off his smart shirt in one movement, kicked a water bottle and marched off. He is already a better Incredible Hulk than Ed Norton.

2 DON’T HAVE A COW, MAN (PT.I) Spain Madrid

For no apparent reason, Real Madrid’s advance to the Champions League final this season resulted in not one but two massive Bart Simpsons rocking up at the Bernabeu. The year is 2017.

The Barts have been present at Real matches before, mind, and they’re now living in fear of a visit from Chelsea next season – plans are currently being put in place on how to thwart David Luiz using some strategically-placed rakes.

3 WHAT A DOUGHNUT Portugal Lisbon

Eliseu knew exactly how he wanted to celebrate Benfica’s fourth consecutive league title win – by driving a moped around the pitch and then taking it for a spin in a packed dressing room.

As his team-mates partied behind him, Eliseu stole the show with a few doughnuts. The moped’s become so famous that it’s been swiftly installed in the Lisbon giants’ official museum.

4 DON’T HAVE A COW, MAN (PT.II) France Paris

Do you want to know why Emmanuel Petit’s career tailed off amid a series of injuries all that time ago? Well, the man himself has a theory, but it’s a bit mad.

“After the 2002 World Cup I went to a beach on the Cote d’azur,” said Petit. “An African street vendor came up and said ‘an evil spell has been put on you and a serious injury will end your career.’ I asked him what I could do to prevent this happening. He said, ‘You have to kill a cow.’ I did not kill a cow. Six months on, I suffered a double ligament tear.”

So there you have it.

5 SILENT MAJORITY England Cheltenham

While their team fought to avoid a first ever relegation to non-league – without any success, unfortunately – Hartlepool United fans turned up at their last away game of the season dressed as mimes.

The supporters of the Monkey Hangers have attended previous end-of-season encounters as stormtroopers, penguins, Thunderbirds and Smurfs, and arrived at Cheltenham complete with berets and stripy jumpers, ready to do the classic ‘trapped in a box’ routine. Staying silent wasn’t too difficult: Hartlepool lost 1-0.

6 NOTHING MELLOW ABOUT MELO Uruguay Montevideo

January: Felipe Melo agrees to sign for Palmeiras, declares: “If I have to slap a Uruguayan, I will.” Fast forward a few months: Felipe Melo slaps a Uruguayan.

Actually, it was more of a punch – the Brazilian midfielder completely lost it as a Copa Libertadores game with Penarol descended into an almighty brawl. “The story that I’m violent is made up by the media,” Melo insisted in January. Hmm.

7 THE ORIGINAL MYSTIC MEG Romania Bucharest

Nostradamus predicted a lot of things, but we’re not sure he spent much time forecasting when Dinamo Bucharest’s new stadium would be built. Even so, their supporters unveiled a tifo during their clash with Steaua which depicted old Nozzer next to a giant book claiming that, by 2020, Dinamo would be inside a new arena and Steaua wouldn’t exist.

The match had to be suspended for 10 minutes while the pitch was cleared of debris. Dinamo eventually won 2-1, helping Gheorghe Hagi’s Viitorul to win the title for the first time. Nostradamus already knew that’d happen, of course.

8 “THIS ONE’S FOR THE ALBUM!” Italy Pisa

With on-loan Roma gloveman Wojciech Szczesny’s second campaign in Serie A coming to an end, the Pole still had one unfulfilled ambition: seeing the Leaning Tower of Pisa and fictitiously pushing it over with one finger. Cue an Instagram classic, with his other half pretending to hold up the tower on the other side. Great husband-and-wife banter, there.

9 PICTURE PERFECT (WELL, NEARLY) England West Bromwich

Fresh from reminding everyone that he does still exist, by scoring the goal that clinched the Premier League title for his club, Chelsea’s Michy Batshuayi decided to grab a nearby photographer’s camera and snap away during the Londoners’ post-match celebrations.

If we’re being really honest, the results were disappointing: people not looking at the lens, plus an out-of-focus shot of Pedro. Maybe Michy should just give Diego Costa the camera for the first 75 minutes next time. Still, 10/10 for effort.

10 THE VICKY SHOW, WITH GUEST STAR MARCEL DESAILLY Russia Moscow

She’s back, back, back: it’s been another busy month for FFT’S favourite Russian supermodel, Victoria Lopyreva. No trips to Paris or Madrid, though – instead the 2018 World Cup ambassador stayed at home to help launch the Confederations Cup, which kicks off this month. Marcel Desailly was there to promote the event and got corralled into posing alongside the blonde beauty. Well, if you insist…

11 “NEW HAIRCUT, CHRIS?” Barbados Bridgetown

It’s the sort of image that will give you nightmares: four Chris Smallings, all of them wearing revealing dresses.

Thankfully it was not the Manchester United stopper out on a mad weekend: Smalling’s fiancée Sam Cooke and her pals decided to don some masks in his honour during her hen party out in the Caribbean. There’s apparently no truth in the rumours that Jose Mourinho felt the masks weren’t tough enough, and were symptomatic of a weak mentality within the mask-making industry.

12 WIZARD 1 OCTOPUS 0 England Watford

Arsenal’s Lucas Perez had a bit of spare time on his hands while out injured for two months, so naturally there was only one solution to ease all of the boredom: impersonating a wizard for the day.

The Spaniard put on a gown and rode a broomstick as part of his Harry Potter studios tour – an experience almost as magical as spending time at his father’s mysterious octopus stall in Camden.