BORIS JOHNSON COMMENDATION FOR CULTURAL AWARENESS

It’s 2017, and being a d**khead is back in fashion – the Alt-right keyboard warriors will inform you that Conservatism’s now the new counter-culture, as long as mum will let them use her computer – but we weren’t expecting former Spurs man Paulinho to be at the vanguard of cultural insensitivity.

Having signed for Guangzhou Evergrande for a yacht-load of dosh, the 28-year-old Brazilian managed to break two Chinese cultural taboos in one fell swoop. He posed with porn star Tsukasa Aoi, despite pornography being illegal there and – as the tabloids told us with a big, judge-y face – being RELIGIOUS and MARRIED, as if he’d had a live orgy rather than just posed for a daft photo. But worse still: the stunt was for an online betting company, and gambling is also illegal in China.

This scandalous promotion led to talk of deportation, but in the end nothing came of the furore and he got a slap on the wrist.