Chris Sutton on his love of trees
Nothing soothes the outspoken pundit more than botany – just as long as there aren’t any bears around
Hi Chris. You were famously half of the ‘SAS’ with Alan Shearer. But what about being in the real SAS – think you’re tough enough? Hi. I think I would have done OK in the army. I’m not a leader, but I’m quite good at being told what to do, and carrying out instructions. Could you build a shelter out of bracken and sleep in it for a week? I couldn’t think of anything worse. I can barely put up a tent, let alone make something with bracken. I like the countryside, but I don’t want to be sleeping under any bushes. Alan would be much better at it than me. Would you be any cop at raiding an Al-qaeda compound? No, no, no. I’m quite a big guy, so that would make me an easy target. You’re not looking that good in the army then, really… I suppose not. We enjoy you being harsh on shoddy football performances, so let’s have a pop at some other things too, like: what is the worst film ever made? Rita, Sue and Bob Too. Terrible. Who is the worst human being? The worst human being? You can’t ask me something like that! We just did… Er… Robbie Savage. We can all agree on that one. The most abysmal holiday destination? I’ve not been anywhere really terrible, but I did have a holiday in Italy once where all four of the kids got food poisoning and spent the whole time vomiting. You don’t expect that with pizza and pasta. All we did was mop up every day – a right Italian Job. What’s the most loathsome TV show? Jeremy Kyle – I dislike everything about it. I just watch sport. Usually I like there to be a ball, but my wife likes dressage so I pretend to understand that a bit. Your name is an anagram of ‘Chino Struts’. Have you ever peacocked about in versatile cotton trousers? I have, many times. In fact, the first time I ever went to a disco in Norwich, in around 1988, I was wearing some chino shorts and a flowery shirt. The feedback I received was not strong. What was an ’80s Norfolk disco like? We did have electricity, lights and music, you know, if that’s what you are getting at. It was pretty normal. Are you wearing chinos now, Chris? No, I’m wearing cords. Really? Only joking. I’m wearing jeans. What’s your most gentle quality? Neil Warnock weeps softly during movies. Is there a soft side to me? Yes. I like trees. In fact, I love trees. And you don’t have to sound too surprised. I especially like planting trees, too. Where do you plant them? In the ground! The best place for trees. I plant them all around the garden. Did you know you share a birthday with Osama Bin Laden, Sepp Blatter, Garth Crooks and Prince Edward? [Audible horror] Crooks is the worst – I mean, if I had to be stuck in a lift with one of those, it’d probably be Bin Laden. Are you scared of anything unusual? How long have you got? All day, to be honest. OK: spiders, snakes, rats, crocodiles, alligators, elephants, rhinos, tigers. Polar bears. Any other type of bear... Avoid a safari, Chris! Finally, shall we round things off with a game of telephonic scissors, paper, stone? Do you mean rock, paper, scissors? If you want to call it that. Go on then. I’ve got paper. So have I. A frustrating draw then. But thanks very much for playing along, Chris. No problem!
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“IS THERE A SOFT SIDE TO ME? YES, I LIKE TREES. IN FACT, I LOVE ‘EM. DON’T SOUND TOO SURPRISED”