The Guy­liner

Gay Times Magazine - - Contents - The Guy­liner

01. Doesn’t like your look. Any­one who crit­i­cises your per­sonal style, or doesn’t un­der­stand ex­actly why you HAVE to wear a navy fas­ci­na­tor to com­plete your look, isn’t worth the bother. No point in be­ing around some­one who doesn’t think you look amaz­ing at all times. Truth­bombs about your bad out­fits should come from best friends and bitchy shop as­sis­tants, not lovers.

02. Doesn’t get jeal­ous. “I don’t do jeal­ousy.” Re­ally? Why the hell not? What if I kissed that guy over there, right now? Or told you I’ve slept with every­one in this restau­rant? Not even a tinge? Bol­locks. The real red flag here is this guy is ly­ing through his teeth. Oh, he does jeal­ousy all right. He does it hard.

03. Only likes blondes. Or any other gran­u­lar cat­e­gory of man. Fil­ters don’t work in real life. Think out­side the box. Any­one fetishis­ing you be­cause of your hair colour, her­itage or dong size is a waste of time. Buh-bye!

04. Leaves voice­mails. “Hey, yeah, it’s me. Just call­ing to say hi…”

Then text it. Two letters. A full stop. A kiss if we’re fuck­ing. Job done. No need to call.

05. Vague about what they want. The thing about “just a bit of fun” is that the pe­riod where both of you are hav­ing fun is usu­ally pretty short. Af­ter that, one of you… isn’t. Even if you’re lov­ing it, the one not hav­ing fun will wear you down even­tu­ally. Best be up­front from the off or, y’know, not bother at all.

06. Leaves you on “read”. Any­one not fly enough to turn off read re­ceipts isn’t worth your trou­ble. He wants you to see.

07. Re­ally bor­ing in bed. Honey. No.

08. End­less tex­ting. Rather than mak­ing your thumbs ache, he could be over mak­ing your back break – know what I mean? If he “just wants to talk”, fine – can’t he do it in per­son next time you see each other? Phone call, maybe, so you can get on with other stuff? Never un­der­es­ti­mate the sweet re­lease of hang­ing up. Your time de­serves it.

09. Drops out at the last minute. Peo­ple who screw with your plans con­stantly de­serve only two chances. Peo­ple you can’t rely on – un­less they have an amaz­ing ex­cuse – have no place in your sto­ry­line. Axe them.

10. Is al­ways late. “Oh, sorry I’m late. You know what I’m like.” Oh baby, yes.

Yes I do. You are, like, some­one who doesn’t care that you’re lit­er­ally rob­bing my day from me by hav­ing me wait for you while you come up with some lame ex­cuse that you’re “ditsy” or lost track of time. MY time. Can­cel these dron­goes. So should you.

11. Tries too hard to be cool. Life’s too short to give more than the po­litest of fucks whether some­one thinks you’re a tastemaker or an in­flu­encer or what­ever. Any­one chas­ing cool might as well try to grill an ice cube. Never gonna hap­pen.

12. Won’t give you a week­end. A guy who de­prives you of dates on Fri­day and Satur­day is prob­a­bly shar­ing that pre­cious time with some other mug. Or he’s at work – check first be­fore send­ing any hys­ter­i­cal texts or de­stroy­ing his gear.

Any­one who ever fired up a dat­ing app will be well versed in time­wasters, but they’re ev­ery­where in real life too. Don’t

get trapped by these time thieves…

13. Never stays over. Mar­ried.

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