The Guy­liner

“Dat­ing” apps have come a long way since Grindr rev­o­lu­tionised the way we had sex in 2009. They’re as much a part of our lives as hair prod­uct and credit card debt. But when it comes to com­mu­ni­cat­ing, we’re still hav­ing trou­ble. Here are the most loathed

Gay Times Magazine - - Contents - The Guy­liner

01.Hey. Poor “hey” – once the laid-back, chilled bro-dude of in­tros, now a lazy, sleazy filler of dead air. Same, un­for­tu­nately, goes for “hi”, “hello”, “howdy” and any vari­a­tion of greet­ing. Live by the prin­ci­ple that log­ging on it­self is al­ready a hello; you don’t need it. Cut to the chase. Don’t be afraid to go a lit­tle off-the­wall. “Would you change surgery if Doc­tor Fos­ter was your GP?” I am in­ter­ested.

02. What you up to? I am on fuck­ing GRINDR star­ing at iden­ti­cal “hey mate” avis and lying about my age; what do you THINK I’m up to?

03. What you look­ing for? READ. THE. BIO. Best start with what you’re look­ing for. “We could chat for hours about what we’re ‘into’ and swap dick pics, or we could meet for a drink within the next hour and… see for our­selves?” Much bet­ter. Don’t be afraid to meet – even a waste of time is al­ways a les­son learned.

04. How are you? “Yeah fine, thanks. You?” “Good, you?” “Yeah, cool, ta. You?” This can go on for EV-ER. Some­times you just want to an­swer: “I have cholera but I’m feel­ing perky and op­ti­mistic.” Again, straight to the goods, please. “Do you think we should just let pan­das be ex­tinct? It seems to be they re­ally can’t be ar­sed” is per­fect. I’d marry this per­son.

05. Pic? If you don’t have a pic­ture of your­self, do not, un­der any cir­cum­stances, say this. It’s not that you’re wrong to ask, but peo­ple LOVE to go ab­so­lutely nuts about this (NO FACE PIC = BLOCKED OK THX) so you’ll spend the next hour playing dis­cre­tion ten­nis with some­one who might be even uglier than you! Just send a good head­shot – not that head – and hope for the best. 06. I like your [fea­ture]. I never gave two shits whether some­one on a hook-up app liked my smile – not that I’ve smiled in pub­lic since I was 17, of course. Oh my mouth is nice? Great, but um­m­mmm, also a bit creepy. Photos lie – com­pli­ments work best when de­liv­ered live and di­rect, in per­son. Even the vainest gym bunny gets sick of hear­ing “nice bod”. Or so I’ve been told, any­way.

07. [Out of the blue and in­ap­pro­pri­ate sex­ual com­ment] I know, you’re not here for hearts and flow­ers and want to get on with it, and some guys re­spond very well to “sit on my face” or “de­stroy my anus”. But in my ex­pe­ri­ence, the vast ma­jor­ity re­act like Vic­to­rian ladies who just caught sight of the chim­ney sweep’s wrists. Show per­son­al­ity; it helps. Even if you only want a zi­p­less shag. Nice guys don’t fin­ish last, they get blown in their liv­ing room by a friendly neigh­bour on a hun­gover af­ter­noon. They do!

06. “You’re close.” You’re very ob­ser­vant. And as close as you’re go­ing to get. 09. [Sends pic­ture of pe­nis] The ef­fort’s al­ways ap­pre­ci­ated but what do you want? Marks out of ten? All you’ll get is “nice” and no fur­ther re­ply. Want to make an im­pres­sion? Send a cool pic of your­self or a fun one mak­ing a face, or a per­son­alised meme. Think out­side the box, for the love of God. Shirt is al­ways op­tional. But no dick, and def­i­nitely not straight­away. 10.[Bizarre in­sult mas­querad­ing as flir­ta­tion] If you don’t like my ap­ples, don’t shake my tree, bitch.

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