The crop top? It’s fashion’s cockroach
You know what it’s like. You’re on a night out and get photographed near enough to club-music legend Sonique that it looks like you’re close friends, casually twinning in crop tops. (Really, I was just in her way.) Who wore the midlife midriff best? Nobody. Crop tops cannot be worn ‘ best’, only ‘least worst’. I should have known better, as I was coaxed into the apparel by an idiot babysitter; a teen child who I once employed to put my smaller child to bed, not to bully me with unsolicited fashion advice.
Mercifully, I work with a stylist now, who has helped me shape my enthusiasm for visual art and clothing into a form of expression that rarely offends fashion editors. I am by no means an expert, just a fan, and now I have the privilege of borrowing insanely precious pieces.
I only agreed to crop my top on the basis that we were biblically flaunting our stolen ribs at the men Eve nicked them off for us. As it turns out, the entire trend is borrowed from men, who first modelled it in the ’70s on American Football protective gear. Madonna was into it, then a bunch of pregnant pop stars decided to get their bellies out in the ’90s, and even that wasn’t enough to kill off the crop top. It’s fashion’s cockroach. It’s important to note that I put all adult women into the same category of appropriateness, regardless of size or age. The older you get, the more fashion rights you are entitled to, in my opinion, not the other way around. The only trend that upsets me past age 20 is the baby voice. Even the Kardashians kicked that nasty habit during season five. For readers who are unfamiliar with me or my work, I am the colour of halloumi cheese. No part of my skin was designed for sunlight. The summer that photo was taken, I got a persistent crop-top tan and looked like I was wearing a brown leather belt every time I got naked in September. By October, it was snakeskin, which happened to be on-trend at the time, so it was fine. Why must two inches of skin divide our shirts from our trousers? Can’t they at least pretend to be friends, for the kids? Sure, it helps to secure a London taxi when you raise one arm in the street and your naked right boob falls out, but what if you’re involved in an unscheduled Mexican wave? Both boobs can be too much in mixed company. Crop tops are for athletics only. Please keep them where they belong: in the gym, or worn on the school run as part of the rest of your activewear collection that we know you’re actually only sporting to the café. Will I come close to knocking over a DJ in this look again? Maybe. I do like to drink a lot.
with KATHERINE RYARYAN Thecomedian look at takes a wry of the challenges getting dressed
Sonique and Katherine go for the crop