Polly Ver­non

Grazia (UK) - - News -

OH, HAPPY, happy day! Oh joy, un­bounded! See how the peo­ple dance

and re­joice on the streets; how bards com­pose songs of glad com­mem­o­ra­tion, and the Post Of­fice won­ders if it should do a spe­cial stamp!

Is it the re­sults of the Ir­ish abor­tion ref­er­en­dum we cel­e­brate with such grate­ful aban­don, you ask? No, I say (al­though: that is all kinds of won­der­ful).

’ Tis the glo­ri­ous news that In­sta­gram will fi­nally add a mute op­tion to the site, thereby al­low­ing us to hide the un­bear­ably ir­ri­tat­ing feeds of friends, fam­ily and col­leagues we can’t bring our­selves to of­fi­cially Un­fol­low, be­cause there’d be a scene; only, if we don’t Un­fol­low them, and soon, if we carry on be­ing sub­jected to the an­o­dyne, smug, ly­ing, out­ra­geously fil­tered, hideously bor­ing, showy-offy, self-ab­sorbed, re­lent­less post­ings they visit upon us, day, af­ter day, af­ter day… We may have to kill them.

The chance to mute that lot on In­sta­gram could well mit­i­gate some loom­ing bother/pos­si­ble homi­cide.

My neigh­bour-friend H lit­er­ally skipped down the street to tell me about it. She’d been up since 6am on ac­count of it. Hav­ing heard the glad tid­ings the night be­fore, she’d as­sumed the pre­cious func­tion would be in place by morn­ing. ‘Mid­night in Sil­i­con Val­ley,’ she’d pre­dicted. It wasn’t, though – it’s com­ing, in a few weeks – so H devoted her early wake-up time to short­list­ing those who would be muted. ‘He’s go­ing, and her, and her… AND HIM!’ she cried.

Me? I plan to mute: any­one who over-posts pic­tures of their ba­bies even though they swore they wouldn’t when they were preg­nant, any­one who only posts pic­tures of their dogs be­cause they hope it’ll make peo­ple think they’re loads nicer than they ac­tu­ally are be­cause DOG­GIE!; and any­one who fil­ters their own self­ies to the point their face is un­recog­nis­able, only (I sus­pect) they’ve come to be­lieve that’s what they ac­tu­ally look like. Also: peo­ple who post pseudo-fem­i­nist in­spo quotes but are vile about other women when­ever you talk to them in life; peo­ple who slag off the In­sta­gram pos­tur­ing of oth­ers, then repli­cate the ex­act same pos­tures them­selves and gym selfie boys who hope to mit­i­gate their trans­par­ent van­ity/des­per­ate need for ex­te­rior val­i­da­tion, with a self-dep­re­cat­ing caption. Oh, and? Peo­ple who strew clever books in the back­ground of their brunches; peo­ple who never Like or com­ment on my pics, yet al­ways look at my Sto­ries; peo­ple who do shelfies (why?); peo­ple wh…

‘Solid plan,’ H says. ‘ Who do you think will mute you? ‘ Me?’ I say. ‘ Why would any­one want to mute me?’

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