OH, HAPPY, happy day! Oh joy, unbounded! See how the people dance
and rejoice on the streets; how bards compose songs of glad commemoration, and the Post Office wonders if it should do a special stamp!
Is it the results of the Irish abortion referendum we celebrate with such grateful abandon, you ask? No, I say (although: that is all kinds of wonderful).
’ Tis the glorious news that Instagram will finally add a mute option to the site, thereby allowing us to hide the unbearably irritating feeds of friends, family and colleagues we can’t bring ourselves to officially Unfollow, because there’d be a scene; only, if we don’t Unfollow them, and soon, if we carry on being subjected to the anodyne, smug, lying, outrageously filtered, hideously boring, showy-offy, self-absorbed, relentless postings they visit upon us, day, after day, after day… We may have to kill them.
The chance to mute that lot on Instagram could well mitigate some looming bother/possible homicide.
My neighbour-friend H literally skipped down the street to tell me about it. She’d been up since 6am on account of it. Having heard the glad tidings the night before, she’d assumed the precious function would be in place by morning. ‘Midnight in Silicon Valley,’ she’d predicted. It wasn’t, though – it’s coming, in a few weeks – so H devoted her early wake-up time to shortlisting those who would be muted. ‘He’s going, and her, and her… AND HIM!’ she cried.
Me? I plan to mute: anyone who over-posts pictures of their babies even though they swore they wouldn’t when they were pregnant, anyone who only posts pictures of their dogs because they hope it’ll make people think they’re loads nicer than they actually are because DOGGIE!; and anyone who filters their own selfies to the point their face is unrecognisable, only (I suspect) they’ve come to believe that’s what they actually look like. Also: people who post pseudo-feminist inspo quotes but are vile about other women whenever you talk to them in life; people who slag off the Instagram posturing of others, then replicate the exact same postures themselves and gym selfie boys who hope to mitigate their transparent vanity/desperate need for exterior validation, with a self-deprecating caption. Oh, and? People who strew clever books in the background of their brunches; people who never Like or comment on my pics, yet always look at my Stories; people who do shelfies (why?); people wh…
‘Solid plan,’ H says. ‘ Who do you think will mute you? ‘ Me?’ I say. ‘ Why would anyone want to mute me?’