“MY MAN IS GONNA BE...”
Times are tough and I’m maybe getting a little desperate, so I’m just going to go full self-help book by creating a checklist for my ideal man, OK? The following is in no way based in reality, but that’s OK because, really, why limit your other half’s potential with things like gravity or biology?
He will have suffered from some version of the ‘ugly duckling syndrome’ – someone who grew up nerdy or chubby, or a combination of the two, meaning he learned to develop positive traits like empathy for others. In his later teen years, he pulled himself to the top of the attractive ladder through sheer force of will, though his past has always haunted him and he’s never quite lost the humility of a former uncool kid.
This man is rare, but if you find him it means you yourself can slip in and out of actually being attractive seasonally, and he’ll probably stick around.
He’ll be funny. So help me, my man will make me laugh! And to be honest it’s not even that hard. Last night I watched Babies Trying a Lemon for the First Time on YouTube and, I’m not kidding, I was belly laughing till my sides stitched up. And don’t even get me started on Babies Scared of Their Own Farts. That was… amazing.
He will be compassionate, but not condescending. My man will be aware of the current social climate and understand that times are dire at the moment, but he’ll also roll his eyes as we read aloud sanctimonious Facebook statuses from fellow liberals in a mockingly sarcastic tone. We’ll groan together as former high school classmates, now seemingly employed as simply ‘racists’, post links to right-wing blogs bemoaning the loss of ‘old American values.’ My man will, however, always give five stars to Über drivers, regardless of how bad they are, because at the end of the day it’s their livelihood and he won’t want to be a prick about it. That would make me give him one of those spontaneous ‘you’re so perfect’ kisses on the cheek, like I’m a
He will have suffered from some version of the ‘ugly duckling syndrome’ – someone who grew up nerdy or chubby, or both, meaning he learned positive traits like empathy for others
Natalie Portman character.
He will enjoy the arts, but not too much. I’ve got something to admit: I don’t really enjoy theatre. Truthfully. And if the play is more than two hours long, I’m suspicious that you’re not very good at telling a story. Most plays are terrible; there I said it. My man won’t say he enjoyed a play just because we’re constantly shamed into ‘supporting the arts.’ My man will like ballet more than opera, just like me, but will only be able to name two ballets and two operas, again, just like me. He’ll enjoy going to the Tate Modern but he’ll hate gallery openings, apart from the free champagne. And most importantly, he’ll enjoy – or at least tolerate – the Real Housewives of Whatever franchises. And there’s no wiggle room there. We’ll watch it after Question Time.
He will love me for me. Oh, this sounds sweet doesn’t it? Well I don’t mean it like that. I mean he will love me regardless of the fact that I yell at him for things that are beyond his control. If I’m frustrated with the speed of our internet, say, and I take it out on him by telling him his gazpacho – that he made from organic fresh ingredients, by the way – is the ‘wrong kind of chilled,’ he’ll just smile and stir until I’m satisfied. And when I apologise ten minutes later for being a brat, he’ll say it’s fine and that the gazpacho wasn’t his best.
We’ll go back and forth for a little while about this until he puts a dollop of crème fraîche on my nose and makes to kiss it off as we fade to black…
Sorry, that’s devolving into something else. Anyway, I tell myself that I need to have the tenacity of Kevin Costner in Field of Dreams and that one day, my man will come. That’s what she said.