ALL THE MEN YOU SHOULD NEVER DATE

GT (UK) - - LIFE -

The Cul­ture Snob The [01]

chances of this guy not own­ing a TV – and con­stantly go­ing on about it – are pretty high. It’s not enough for him to de­test rub­bish telly and chart mu­sic, he has to let ev­ery­one else know, in the hope it’ll kill their buzz as well.

He’ll sigh deeply as The X Fac­tor theme tune kicks in, ask­ing you why you can’t do some­thing “cul­tural”. What he re­ally means is do some­thing that you’ll prob­a­bly find very bor­ing, but will go along with for the sake of it.

It’ll more than likely in­volve sit­ting un­com­fort­ably for what will feel like aeons while some­thing in for­eign hap­pens on a stage in front of you. If you ad­mit you haven’t en­joyed it, he’ll lec­ture you for a fur­ther zil­lion years on why you should at least ap­pre­ci­ate its cul­tural rel­e­vance over the things you do ac­tu­ally en­joy. I’ve dated this man quite a lot; can you tell?

As your eyes glaze over and you start to drift away, he’ll rec­om­mend you go and see it again so you can re­ally take it all in. By then, you’d do lit­er­ally any­thing to watch a dou­ble episode of Strictly.

The so­lu­tion Turn your cul­tural out­ings into cur­rency – for ev­ery Czech art house film about in­cest you have to en­dure, he must watch an en­tire se­ries of Come Dine With Me. Ei­ther you’ll end up mar­ried or he’ll sod off and find some­one else to bore. --------

The Shadow When [02]

Dusty Spring­field first sang I Only Want To Be With You, she prob­a­bly didn’t re­alise that some guys were go­ing to adopt it as their mantra.

The Shadow is the boyfriend who, like a se­vere bout of ton­sil­li­tis and Jessie J, sim­ply won’t go away. They say ab­sence makes the heart grow fonder, but this guy never gives you the op­por­tu­nity. Some­one telling you they want to spend all their time with you is kind of sweet, but after a while you re­alise per­sonal space is just as im­por­tant when you’re madly in love.

After the tenth time you have to pause a con­ver­sa­tion with a pal to ex­plain to your lover the mean­ing of the con­vo­luted in­joke you’ve just quipped, you start to won­der why this man of yours can’t go get some mates of his own.

Sure, he’s al­ways there when you need him, but sadly he’s also a per­ma­nent fix­ture when you don’t. His own friends have long since given up hope of see­ing him again while he’s at­tached. “That’s just what Matt’s like when he gets a boyfriend,” they say as they sip their cap­puc­ci­nos in the bliss­ful si­lence his ab­sence cre­ates. And, yes, they’re al­ways called Matt.

He doesn’t just want you to be known as a cou­ple, he wants to be­come as one – a hive mind. Even­tu­ally, you’ll be­come so sick and tired of see­ing him, your throat will tighten when he kisses you, and you in­vent a chronic case of di­ar­rhoea just to get some alone time in the loo.

The so­lu­tion If you al­ready date this guy, it might be time to in­vent a rea­son to be away a lot – maybe with your job or to see fam­ily. Take a lit­tle longer to an­swer texts and don’t al­ways be avail­able when he wants to see you. It might take a bit of tough love, but you’re go­ing to have to teach him that you’re very much your own per­son.

THE GUY­LINER LENDS AN EAR TO YOUR LIFE DILEM­MAS AND DISHES

THE DIRT ON THE UN­DATE­ABLES

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