ALL THE MEN YOU SHOULD NEVER DATE
The Culture Snob The 
chances of this guy not owning a TV – and constantly going on about it – are pretty high. It’s not enough for him to detest rubbish telly and chart music, he has to let everyone else know, in the hope it’ll kill their buzz as well.
He’ll sigh deeply as The X Factor theme tune kicks in, asking you why you can’t do something “cultural”. What he really means is do something that you’ll probably find very boring, but will go along with for the sake of it.
It’ll more than likely involve sitting uncomfortably for what will feel like aeons while something in foreign happens on a stage in front of you. If you admit you haven’t enjoyed it, he’ll lecture you for a further zillion years on why you should at least appreciate its cultural relevance over the things you do actually enjoy. I’ve dated this man quite a lot; can you tell?
As your eyes glaze over and you start to drift away, he’ll recommend you go and see it again so you can really take it all in. By then, you’d do literally anything to watch a double episode of Strictly.
The solution Turn your cultural outings into currency – for every Czech art house film about incest you have to endure, he must watch an entire series of Come Dine With Me. Either you’ll end up married or he’ll sod off and find someone else to bore. --------
The Shadow When 
Dusty Springfield first sang I Only Want To Be With You, she probably didn’t realise that some guys were going to adopt it as their mantra.
The Shadow is the boyfriend who, like a severe bout of tonsillitis and Jessie J, simply won’t go away. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but this guy never gives you the opportunity. Someone telling you they want to spend all their time with you is kind of sweet, but after a while you realise personal space is just as important when you’re madly in love.
After the tenth time you have to pause a conversation with a pal to explain to your lover the meaning of the convoluted injoke you’ve just quipped, you start to wonder why this man of yours can’t go get some mates of his own.
Sure, he’s always there when you need him, but sadly he’s also a permanent fixture when you don’t. His own friends have long since given up hope of seeing him again while he’s attached. “That’s just what Matt’s like when he gets a boyfriend,” they say as they sip their cappuccinos in the blissful silence his absence creates. And, yes, they’re always called Matt.
He doesn’t just want you to be known as a couple, he wants to become as one – a hive mind. Eventually, you’ll become so sick and tired of seeing him, your throat will tighten when he kisses you, and you invent a chronic case of diarrhoea just to get some alone time in the loo.
The solution If you already date this guy, it might be time to invent a reason to be away a lot – maybe with your job or to see family. Take a little longer to answer texts and don’t always be available when he wants to see you. It might take a bit of tough love, but you’re going to have to teach him that you’re very much your own person.
THE GUYLINER LENDS AN EAR TO YOUR LIFE DILEMMAS AND DISHES
THE DIRT ON THE UNDATEABLES