Aled Jones

GT (UK) - - CONTENTS - From EK

I seem to have de­vel­oped a tem­per from nowhere. It just ex­plodes like a red mist, I can’t quite be­lieve it. The slight­est, odd­est thing can set me off and I just shout and rage. I’m never phys­i­cally vi­o­lent, but it still shocks me be­cause it’s just not like me at all. I’m wor­ried that it’s all go­ing to what’s go­ing on, and how to stop it. My boyfriend is, un­der­stand­ably, not happy to be on the re­ceiv­ing end of it.

Hey EK. The tricky thing with anger is that it’s viewed so dif­fer­ently be­tween peo­ple re­gard­ing what is a ‘healthy’ amount to dis­play – in­deed, if any at all! I’ve been brought up to show my anger to help clear that feel­ing and get back to a ‘nor­mal’ state. My other half sees that as hor­ren­dously rude and prefers to never show anger.

As you iden­tify, you don’t feel like an an­gry per­son, so

It ’s prob­a­bly help­ful to start by look­ing at what anger is ac­tu­ally seen as a pos­i­tive thing. It ’s a pro­tec­tion mech­a­nism. It helps us iden­tify prob­lems that are hurt­ing us and is a prob­lem solv­ing emo­tion that re­leases adren­a­line in our bod­ies and pre­pares us to right the wrongs we face.

There’s a dif­fer­ence be­tween feel­ing an­gry and be­ing an­gry. It’s im­por­tant to iden­tify when you’re feel­ing it and what it was that got you there. You can then do some­thing about right­ing that wrong.

But al­ways re­mem­ber the rule that if there’s some­thing you can do about it – do it. If not – ac­cept it.

The course of this ac­tion could be a con­ver­sa­tion or need to ne­go­ti­ate your way to a con­clu­sion through shout­ing, threat­en­ing, a raised voice, in­tim­i­da­tion or vi­o­lence.

Other ways you might be dis­play­ing un­help­ful an­gry be­hav­iour could in­clude in­ward ag­gres­sion – tak­ing it out on your­self emo­tion­ally or phys­i­cally – or pas­sive ag­gres­sion – these is your only course of ac­tion then that’s when it be­comes a prob­lem.

From this point on it’s about work­ing out why you anger in a clear, calm, way is not an op­tion. It could be be­cause it’s in­grained in you – there’s still de­bate about whether that’s down to your up­bring­ing alone or whether it’s some­how baked in your genes.

At the end of the day, you’re in con­trol of your mouth and your ac­tions, so what­ever the driver, there comes a point where you choose to act and dis­play your anger in a par­tic­u­lar way. And as they say, if it doesn’t work for you – change it!

Learn­ing to con­trol your anger will vary de­pend­ing on the sever­ity of the driver. Es­sen­tially it ’s ALL about com­mu­ni­ca­tion. Ei­ther with a friend, your part­ner or even a diary de­scrib­ing events that af­fect you, how it makes you feel and com­mu­ni­cat­ing that so you stop the pres­sure from build­ing. If you’re con­fused about why you’re feel­ing some­thing and af­ter talk­ing it through, you may need to think about talk­ing to some­one who’s be through coun­selling or psy­chother­apy – all of which should start with a chat to your GP. Oth­er­wise there are many anger man­age­ment cour­ses or helplines you could con­tact if you’re wor­ried in the short-term about man­ag­ing your tem­per.

To add, anger is also a symp­tom of sad­ness or de­pres­sion for some. A build of frus­tra­tion due to low self-es­teem in one area of your life, say, feel­ing de­mo­ti­vated at work, could other ar­eas of your life – per­haps with your part­ner. Frus­trat­ingly com­pli­cated, you don’t see a di­rect link, but again the an­swer to this is a lot of talk­ing, be­cause at some point you will dis­cover what’s caus­ing the anger. Good luck!

Newspapers in English

Newspapers from UK

© PressReader. All rights reserved.